Presenting Part One of Aijin Muyo:  Less Lemon, More Script-grafting.
   
And yes, Taiki IS in there.
   
   
   
    AIJIN MUYO! pt.1
    no need for a story!
   
<Shinji, pitifully> There is a need! There is a great need!
<Yaten> We demand a plot line!
   
All characters used in this story don't belong to me(as if you didn't already 
know this)
   
<Shinji> Weeelll, you could be some demented Japanese manga author just doing this to provoke your 
fanbase...
<Kaworu> Indeed.
<Minako>  That's stretching it, guys.
<Kaworu> Indeed.
   
 I just chose to use them in this story....
   
<Shinji> •author• I might've replaced them with sticks, but you wouldn't know the difference, so who cares.  
<Makoto> They've got roughly the same amount of personality as the real characters anyway.
   
This story is written for all the fans of Tenchi Muyo! 
   
<Minako>  This story was written with the purpose of turning rabid fans into raving anti-fans.  My whole purpose 
in life is to take good things and ruin them for you.
   
This is the way we
really wanted to see them and as some of us have in our dreams!
   
<Yaten>  Ryoko and Ayeka gettin' it on?
<All> -_-
<Seiya> I once dreamt that Toonami picked up Evangelion, renamed it 'Shinji's Big Adventure,' and aired it 
after Tenchi in Tokyo.  What's more, they meshed the two shows into an hourlong extravaganza of big robots, 
old guys looking sinister and wimpy guys named Shinji getting beaten up by Sasami and the cabbit.  To say the 
least, I was very surprised.
<Makoto> You shouldn't have been, what with the quality of dubs these days.
<Kaworu> I saw Shinji in my dreams last night, now that you mention it.
<Makoto> O did you? 
<Kaworu> Mm.
<Makoto> Just.. 'mm'?
<Kaworu> Well.. what else did you want?
<Shinji fidgets.>
<Makoto> Details, man, details.  Or they'll think something's rotten in Denmark, knaamean? *points to Seiya and 
Yaten, who are staring intently at Kaworu*
<Kaworu> .. *shrugs* He gave me a dollar. Then I woke up.
<All>... oh.
<Shinji>  That's it?
<Kaworu, innocently> What? What did you expect?
<All> Oh... nothing, really... 0o
<Kaworu> You people are weird.
<Seiya mumbles something inaudible and turns back to the screen.>
   
 Meaning 
This has the standard "LEMON" warning that we've all come to know and 
love.
   
<Yaten, sheepishly> And could we love it more?
<Seiya> Noooo. *gurgles*
   
This is a lemon fan-fic... your here so you know what your doing. 
   
<Seiya>  You know what you doing.  Take off every zig!
<Makoto> ... have I ever told you how much I _loathe_ you? -_-;
   
If for some reason you are reading this and you are not at least 18
don't blame me if you get your ass beat...
   
<All> ... 0.0
<Shinji> Welp, my fate is sealed.  I am not eighteen.  Now who will beat my ass?
<Seiya> I will.
<Pendrell>>  No roughhousing in the theater!!
<All> Gaaaah! 0o
<Pendrell> Hee hee hee.  I love the intercom system.
*blip*
<All> ... --;
   
 well now that that's over with....
   
<Seiya> Let the PAIN begin!
   
                                        AIJIN MUYO! series pt.1
   
<Minako> .. series??  Oh, bleh.  I sense more deep pain and torment in our very near futures.
<Pendrell> How's next Tuesday sound to you guys?
<Shinji, mortified> No!!
<Kaworu> Indeed.
<Makoto> Dandy.  Fling your worst hackjob of fanfiction at us, you crazy loon!
<Pendrell>  Would you like that review with a Duo or without a Duo?
<Seiya, snidely> I doubt we'll be needing one of those, thanks.
<Pendrell> So that's a 'yes' for the Duo and 'maybe' for the little gay man?
<All> Who?
<Pendrell> Quatre.
<All> Ah.
<Minako> Yes please! I like pretty little bishounen! *giggles airily*
<Everyone else glares at Minako.>
<Minako> What? 0_o
                                        Title: no need for a story
   
<Seiya> Author: No need for a brain.
                                               Author: JARR
   
<Kaworu> You're wrong, Seiya.
<Seiya> Admit that I'm really right.  You know it.
<All> We know it!
<Seiya bows gratefully.>
   
********************************************************************************
*****
   
<All sing> Fifty nifty stars on the flag!  From thirteen original coloniiiieees!
<Shinji> Stupid that we're singing that despite the fact that none of us are from the United States.
<Seiya> Isn't it, though. *curses Pendrell silently*
   
                                 (this story is a Sasami extreme production)
   
<Minako> I wonder if there's a Sasami 'Grotesque' production?
<Makoto> A Sasami 'Overly-Saccharin' production?
<Shinji> There's only ONE Sasami production: the lemon Sasami fic.
<Minako> *cheerily* Playing at EVERY Tenchi Muyo fanfic site EVER.  Go read one and purge your stomach 
of its contents today!
<Kaworu, somewhat melancholically> How true, how true.
<Yaten> Aw, why so glum?  Everybody loves reading fics about seven year olds getting it on.  Cheer up.  It 
happens to be our turn today.
<All> Again.
<Pendrell>  Quit complaining already!
<Minako>  Not until you stop sending us lemon Sasami fics!
<Pendrell>... dare you to go on a lemon Sasami strike?
<Kaworu>  Forget that!  I want to know what your eerie fixation with lemon Sasami fics is all about!
<Pendrell> Wha?  I have no such fi--
<Shinji>  Yeah! You're a pervert AND a lunatic besides, and that's just not healthy!
<Pendrell> But--
<Seiya> Ohh, don't deny it for a minute!  We know you're one of those creepy Sasami-squelching pedophiles 
with pictures of little blue-haired children stuffed into a shoebox under your bed!
<Pendrell> ...
<Makoto> For once, no barb is flung from the tongue of the evil one.  I sit amazed! 0.0
<Pendrell, sniffling> I.... I...
<Seiya> Just don't.  Save it for someone who cares, you loon.
<Pendrell> .... you know what I think?
<Kaworu> What?
*ZAP*
<Pendrell> THAT'S what I think.  I hate Sasami. And to think! Me! A pedophile! Why you!! 
*ZAPZAP*
<Seiya, hacking> You just had to ask, didn't you, Kaworu?
<Kaworu, wheezing> Well, I just...
<Pendrell> SILENCE NOW!!!
<Silence.>
<Pendrell> Wheeee! I'm STILL the god!
<Minako> Yes'm!  I'd kiss your feet if they were here before me!  Now stop roasting us like ducks on a spit! ><
<Pendrell> Well, you're more like chicken on a grill, actually...
<Seiya> I hurt... but... in a good kind of way...
<Pendrell>  Well then, I must be doing something wrong.  Let me try it again.. *finger aims for the ZAP button*
<All> Nnnooooooo!!! We hurt!  We ache! You have damaged us irrepairably!! o_0
<Pendrell> Well, that's just FANtastic. Now stop shirking and do some reviewing.
*blip*
<Shinji> ... *clings to Kaworu's arm* is it gone?
<Kaworu> Yes, it's gone for now, honey.  Relax. 
<Shinji whimpers.>
   
        It all started on a peaceful summer morning at the Masaki shrine.
   
<Yaten>  Then next thing you know, wham bam boom!  Debris flying everywhere, the house blown to 
smithereens and Ryoko and Ayeka trying to rip Tenchi in two as usual.
<Seiya> It was a typical day at the Masaki household.
   
The birds chirping softly in the cool autumn air. Everyone in the Masaki house
was in a hurry for one reason or another.
   
<Makoto> •as Kiyone, making a jabbing motion with her fist•  Must kill Mihoshi, must kill Mihoshi--
<Seiya> •Ayeka•  Must find Ryoko and get into a surly catfight with her over Tenchi like we do every day...
<Yaten> •Sasami•  Must be so sugary-cute that the audience vomits at the mere mention of my name!
<Minako> •Nobuyuki•  Must be a dirty old man!
   
 Ryoko noticing Tenchi from across
the room,
   
<Shinji>  Tenchi beginning to run now, look of terror creeping across his face...
   
 flies over with an evil smirk on her face.
        "Tenchi..." Ryoko said as slowly as she appeared reaching around
his shoulders in a passionate embrace.
   
<Taiki>  That's a bit of a one-sided passion, there, if I'm not mistaken..
   
 Her large breasts pressed against 
his back.
   
<All>  Been there, done that.
<Pendrell>  My, but you're jaded!
<Minako>  Comes with the job. 
   
 Tenchi obviously nervous, as usual, as his mouth hung open and 
face starting to turn shades of red.
   
<All> Why is he not used to this by now?
   
 Than gathering back his senses he said
"Ryoko... stop that. I've got a lot of errands to run for grampa while he's 
away at the shrine."
   
<Yaten>  Errands to run... where?
<Kaworu>  Around the house, I guess.  I mean, they DO live two hours away from civilization.. 
   
 obviously annoyed by the beautiful demons advances. 
Ryoko not seeming to care about Tenchi's problems,
   
<Makoto> •Ryoko•  I don't care if you're sterile, I don't care if you're ADD, and I don't care if you pick your nose!  
Just love me!
   
 reaches down towards his 
pants while laughing in a low and sadistic tone. 
   
<Minako> •Ryoko, laughing evilly• I'll do what I always do and expect a different outcome because I have the 
IQ of a stump!
   
        Ayeka turns from a doorway just in time to notice what was going on.
She ran over and pushed Ryoko off of Tenchi.
   
<Shinji> •Ayeka, ferociously•  My turn!!
   
        "M.. Mi.. Miss Ryoko" she yelled
   
<Seiya> .. I sort of expected, "hey, you spikey-haired prostitute!"
<Makoto> •Ryoko•  Right back at'cha, old hag.
   
 " Just what do you think you were doing 
to Lord Tenchi!"
   
<Seiya> •Ryoko• The same thing I always do.  Where have _you_ been the entire series?  Forget to read the 
script again?
   
        Ryoko just looked at the hysterical princess
   
<Taiki>  You know, she may be prim and proper, but darn it, she's funny!
<All> ....
<Makoto and Kaworu look at each other, then pull two pillows out of nowhere and start beaning Taiki over the 
head.>
   
 and smiled with an evil
grin. " I thought it was pretty obvious"
   
<Kaworu> •Ryoko•  Seeing as I do it every episode or so.
   
 she said sarcastically " but I guess 
that Jurains must not be as bright as they claim to be!" 
   
<Yaten> •Ayeka• Umm... what does that have to do with what you were doi... oh! I get it! ... hey!
       
        With that their eyes locked on to one another, 
   
<Seiya> Made wild lesbian love...
   
sparks flying 
everywhere, as the two women just growled lightly. They quickly started 
fighting, throwing each other around
   
<Taiki>  Hey, throw-pillow princesses!
<All> ....
<Makoto>  Damn you and your silly puns. *kicks over Taiki's stool*
   
 while Tenchi tried in vain to get clear,
getting his face smashed from both of the beautiful combatants.
   
<Minako> _Good_.  He needs a makeover, what with that large, ugly round head of his...
   
 Mihoshi stood 
there in shock at the mess they just made.
   
<Shinji> •Mihoshi•  If half a neuron in my brain were working, I'd realize that I should be used to this 
by now!
<Kaworu> •same•  Just look at the mess you two made on the carpet!  That's it!  No treats tonight! 
   
 Sasami stepping in the doorway from 
the kitchen cried out in here soft and gentle voice "Tenchi!" she ran over
to him to see if he was still alive.
   
<Seiya> •Sasami• Nope, he's dead. Break out the forks, people, time for Sasami's special Tenchi Pate!
   
 She looked into his eyes as he opened
them.
   
<Yaten> •Tenchi• Uh, thanks for your concern, but please do quit leering over me...
   
 he smiled which put Sasami's mind at ease, she quickly raised her head
with a look of strong anger.
   
<Taiki>  Ease, yet... anger at the same time? *look of complete confusion* Whaaa?
   
  "Now look what you did. This is all your fault. 
You two are always causing problems for Tenchi!" her voice as angry as she can
make it "Now both of you get out and leave Tenchi alone!"
   
<Kaworu> •Ryoko• Wow.  I really _want_ to do what a seven year old tells me to do.
<Shinji> •Ayeka• Yes, we'll stop our eternal struggle just to please the little suck-up.
<Seiya> •both•  Well, I guess it's off to the shrine to fight over grandpa, then.
   
        Neither Ayeka or Ryoko even noticed Sasami's speech over their 
fighting,
   
<Yaten> And no one in the audience really cared, either.
<Makoto> Only the Sasami lemon writers are concerned.
   
 on coincidence the two of them still arguing took their fight 
outside, almost forgetting what they were fighting over, they were just use 
to always fighting about something.
   
<Seiya>  One day it's Tenchi, the next day it's mismatched socks.
   
        "Are you all right?" Sasami asked quietly. Tenchi smiled at the blue
hared girl
   
<All> ... -_-
<Kaworu>  So, um... Sasami's been.. hared?
<Shinji>  Too much frolicking with the cabbit tends to do that to you.
<Kaworu, suspiciously>  What kind of frolicking?
<Makoto>  Must we be so suspicious of everything?  Just because this is a Sasami EXTREME production 
doesn't mean that every single line has got to have an ulterior motivation.
<All> Say again?
<Makoto, sighing>  I doubt even a lemon writer would include a scenario between Sasami and Ryo-ohki.
<All> Oh. Oh yeah. 
   
 that kneeled beside him " I'll be alright thanks to you."
   
<Shinji> •Tenchi, whimpering•  You chased the bad nasty ladies away.  If I had half a spine I'd be able to 
defend myself... 
   
        "That's good." smiling happily back at him helping him to his feet.
        "I don't know what id do half the time if it weren't for you Sasami."
   
<Seiya> Umm.. probably harvest carrots and go to school and stuff..
<Makoto>  •Tenchi•  I'd probably play with Mister Gun a lot more if it weren't for you, Sasami.
   
Tenchi said cheerfully. Sasami turned her head and blushed as her ever
present smile started to grow.
   
<Makoto> --crushing the house, then the entire planet Earth! Blaaarggh!
<All> o_o;;
<Makoto> Umm... heheh??
   
 Her heart began to flutter.
   
<Taiki>  It sprouted wings, popped out of her chest, and flew away as she lay dead on the floor, twitching.
   
 "Well I've got 
to get to the store, see you later Sasami" Tenchi said as he walked towards 
front door.
   
<Seiya, chuckling>  I'll be back in two weeks!
<Yaten>  Don't wait up for me. ^^
   
 "Hurry back!" she said while waving to him.
        After every body left
   
<Yaten>  Well, this party's officially over.  All the bodies are gone.
   
 and Sasami finally got done cleaning up Ryoko's
and Ayeke's mess,
   
<Seiya> •Sasami•  They had to go and do that on the good carpet, too!
   
 She finally got a chance to relax,
   
<Minako>  Sit back and watch Martha Stuart's Drapery Special..
   
 and in this house she 
needed to take advantage of every opportunity she could get. Seeing how she's
the one who did all the cooking, dishes, and most of the cleaning.
   
<Kaworu, giggling>  Well, that's what she gets for shacking up with a bunch of _adults_.
   
 Sasami 
thought she could use a nice relaxing bath.
   
<Makoto>  Uh oh.
<Taiki>  Somehow, I figure that taking a bath will, quite ironically, lead us to something very, very dirty.
   
        She went upstairs to the bathroom and got undressed,
   
<Seiya>  And that's our lemon scene for today, folks!  Now get out of here.  Nothing more to see.
   
 putting on a 
towel,
   
<Shinji>  That was relatively painless!  I am happy!
<Kaworu>  We are much pleased with this quickie-lemon format.
   
 as she opened the doorway that Washu had created to keep out Tenchi's
father,
   
<Yaten>  Seeing as how he's the only man in the house.
   
 she could hear a faint sound coming from somewhere in the Olympic  
sized bath tub.
   
<Seiya, impersonating an eastern woodland owl> Hoo, hoo...
<Kaworu, mimicking the sound of wind blowing> Whhhhshhhh...
<Minako>  Honk honk!
<Taiki> Sqweek, sqweek, sqweek...
<Makoto>  Turns out Washu's teaching toddler swim classes on the side.
   
 It was coming from somewhere in one of the far corners of 
the massive tub.
   
<Makoto>  Cue Jaws theme.
   
 She quietly snuck over hiding almost voyeuristically behind one
of the large boulder that were placed every so often in the warm water.
   
<Kaworu>  Aw, who are you kidding?  She _is_ a voyeur.  She wreaks havoc and watches from afar.
   
     (don't ask me why their are boulders... ask Washu it was her idea)
   
<Yaten>  Oh... okay... why not.  Hey, Pendrell!  Can we go call Washuu and ask her why she uses so many 
dadblanged boulders?
<The doors open, and all file out somewhat unceremoniously.  Outside, Shinji plays with the vidcam while 
Seiya makes a face.>
<Seiyaa>  What, not even an "okay" or a "fine"?  I'd even settle for an "I hate you" or "go jump off a cliff, 
losers"!  I can't believe she snubbed us like that.
<Pendrell>  I have better things to do than insult you constantly, you know.
<Seiya>  Oh, ya do not!  You just couldn't come up with a good one, is all! *folds arms*
<Pendrell>  *tasers Seiya with the Interocitor until he catches fire*I really _do_ hate you.  Twerp.
   
Part Two will follow shortly.  It's a long one, so better grab a beer (or, in the case of most underage readers,
best for you to grab an IBC root beer.) and a bowl of soy nuts and prepare to read like there's no tomorrow.