Sailor Moon Crystalis


Oh nooo!  Not another fanfic!!

Ok everybody, also known as the 'fic that drove ALL the reviewers to psychotic levels previously unknown to 
humankind, we present the fic known as "Sailor Moon Crystalis".  Hope you have fun... we sure did.


~Sailor Moon Chrysalis~

<Usagi>  Crystalis?  Chrysalis?  Which one?  Make up your mind.
<Rei>  Chrysalis, in which all the senshi get jobs at their nearest Chrysler dealer and fight the evil 
underworld of the corporate ladder.
<Makoto>  Buy the car or I'll electrocute your ass off, buddy!

Part One

On a dark night, a young man in his twenty

<All>  -.-

 with long flowing silver hair sits by his computer in a large house. The light of a desktop lamp shines up 
the area around him. "As soon as I finish this program, I will be able to steal energy from every computer 
user that is hooked up to the interest!" ,he says laughing maniacally

<Minako>  the interest?
<Taiki>  Meaning, obviously, the international banking institution's Swiss accounts and their high interest 
return rates.  Interest, Minako-chan, interest.
<Yaten>  No, no, the interest is a cheap ripoff version of the internet.

"Not if I have anything to say about it!", a female voice cries out from the darkness. "Who's there?", the 
man says as he spins around on his chair.

<Usagi>  Freeze! A.L.F.O., Anti Lame Fanfic Organization officers!  We are armed!  Remove your hand from the 
mouse and cease all evil fanfic-related activities, NOW!

A young teenager stands there with blonde hair and ponytails down, almost touching the floor. She is in a 
short blue mini-skirt with a white top, and a gold tiara is on her forehead "I am Sailor Moon! In the name 
of the moon I will punish you!" Another girl appears about 8 or 9 with pink hair and pony tails pointing 
upward.

<Usagi> Yowza!  What a top-notch job on describing Chibiusa's hair.. pointing straight up, eh? *giggles*

 
She is in a similar costume to Sailor Moon, except her dress in pink. She repeats, "I will also punish you!".
"Only 2 of you?", the man says mockingly, a black blade made of energy forms in his hand "Hardly fair." Another
female's voice calls out, "Let's make it more fair!"

<Taiki>  Tsk.  What awful grammar.

 Four teenage girls walk out, each with similar costumes as Sailor Moon's except that the mini-skirts are each 
of a different color one red, green, orange and blue. "Shit."

<Makoto>  WHAT?!!  We senshi take pride in our fukus, thank you very much!  How dare you say that about our 
suits!!! *growls*

 the silver hair man says and throws the black blade at Sailor Moon. She panics but manages to dodge out of 
the way. "Supreme Thunder!" The tall brown hair girl,

<Yaten>  *singing*  You're my.. brown hair girl... 
<Taiki> *snapping fingers along with him*
<Makoto>  Knock it off, you freaks!

in the green mini skirt says. A lighting bolt launches out towards the silvered hair man, hitting him causing 
him to convulse in pain.

<Makoto>  I suppose it would.  But who knows, in this kind of thing you can never tell.  It could have made 
him feel an insistent urge to dance the polka while brutally killing off the senshi.

 "Now Sailor Moon."

<Yaten>  As opposed to After Now Sailor Moon.
<Seiya>  5 Minutes Before Now Sailor Moon?

 the dark haired girl in the red mini skirt say.

<Rei>  Girl in red mini skirt say that every other episode.. it get very old.
<Minako>  Girl in red mini skirt always rag on Sailormoon in bad fanfics, too.
<Makoto>  We reduced to neanderthalisms.  Prisoners of fanfic want get out, see light of day..
<Mamoru>  ...before go insane in membrane.

 "O.K.. O.K. Don't rush me, Mars!" she snaps back. She pull out a wand and says, "Spinning heart attack!",

<Yaten>  Watch and marvel at Sailormoon's new attack!  Behold in wonder as the silver hair man does ballet 
and has a heart attack!

 she says pointing this rod at the silvered hair man.

<All>  *facefault*

 He is hit by the attack and turns into a black pile of goo.

<Makoto>  Whooa, far out, man.  *grins*

 "That was easy!", Sailor Moon says cheerfully. "Only because we were here to back you up!", the dark hair 
girl says in a inflated tone.

<Rei>  What, have I been inhaling helium or something?

 "Why do you always criticize me Rei?", she says almost crying.

<Rei>  Because there's just so _much_ criticizing potential in you, 'fic Usagi.

 "Because you almost always screw up!", she says mockingly.

<Rei>  That, too.
<Usagi> *sniffs* R-Reeiii...!! 

"Rei is making fun of me again, Ami." Sailor Moon says, almost to the point of tears, "Make her apologize."

<Ami>  Yessss, master... *hunches over and pokes Rei*  Apoligizze, infidel..

 "We don't have time for your two bickering", Minako says looking intently as the both of them,

<Usagi>  What is 'our two bickering'??
<Makoto>  Sheesh. >_<

 "We have to stop this computer program. Do you think you can do it Ami?", looking at the blue haired girl.

<Ami>  *in high, dippy voice*  Can _I_ do it?  No, of course not!  I can't do anything right with computers... 

"I'll try.", the short blue haired girl says. She sits down on the computer

<Ami> ...
<Yaten> *blink blink*

 and begins working on it.

<Yaten>  That Ami sure does like her computers..
<Ami> -_- Disgusting, Yaten! 

"I 
wonder way this youma turned into a pile of black goo?"

<Makoto>  Hmm, maybe because you zapped him? 

the tall girl in the green dress says bending over to get a better look at the black stuff.

<Seiya> Ah, and here we get a nice big gratuitous butt shot of Makoto!
<All Males, plus Haruka> YAY!

"I don't know Makoto. A new type of youma maybe?", Rei says questionably.

<Rei>  It is questionable that I said that.

 "I don't know but we'll have to keep our guard up.", Makoto says.

<Makoto> *reaches under desk, pulls out a National Guardsman and hoists him over her head*  Keeping our Guard 
up, check..

 The pink haired girl's crosses her arms over and takes a deep breath and says, "Nobody's paying attention to 
me." the pink hair girl says in a high pitch.

<Taiki>  I smell a redundancy-fic.  
<Ami>  Ah, yes, it must be one of those.  How I dispise redundancy 'fics... so redundant...
<Usagi>  The pink hair girl.. Chibiusa is made of pink hair?

 "I'm hungry."

<Minako>  Oh, how unusual.

"I'm sorry Chibi-Usa." Sailor Moon says bending down, "Why don't we check the kitchen here for some food.

<All>  WHAT??!
<Seiya>  Just how stupid can you GET?!

 A big house like this must have a big kitchen and it probably has lots of food.",

<Makoto>  Nuh huh huh, so smart, Sailormooon!  *thumps chest retardedly*
<Usagi>  Why on Earth would a youma have food in his kitchen?

 she says as her mouth begins to water. "Yup!" Chibi-Usa responds and her and Usagi run off to the kitchen.
"How can she think of food at a time like this?!?!", Rei says angrily.

<Rei>  Rei seems to be taking direct quotes from the show fairly often.  Repetitiveness is boring, 'fic Rei.
<Haruka>  Fanfic Rei can't come up with any original dialogue.

"You shouldn't criticize her so much." Minako remarks. "I know but sometimes she really gets on my nerves!" 
Rei declares.

<Rei>  I declare!

         ---------------------------------------------------------

In the kitchen Chibi-Usa and Sailor Moon are foraging through the cupboards looking for something to eat. 
"There's nothing to eat here!", Sailor Moon says

<Seiya>  Wow, now there's a big surprise.  Youmas don't tend to keep food in their kitchens.  They prefer 
energy.
<Yaten>  Not to mention that most youmas don't even _have_ houses.

 looking very worried.

<Mamoru>  Worried.. why's she worried?
<Michiru>  Blah.. boooringgg... *is reading one of Makoto's romance novels*

 Chibi-Usa opens up a door that lead into this walk in closet. There is an enormous amount of dry packed goods 
in the closest, "It's mine! All mine!", she thinks to herself and begins to open the nearest pack of cookies. 
Stuffing 2 or 3 in her mouth.

<Taiki>  Forgetting that sentences do not start with a verb.
<Seiya>  Is ready to die now.
<Makoto>  Wanting to kill someone, preferably Prof. Pendrell, right now.

Usagi looks around and hears a noise coming from one on of the lower shelving units. Curiously she walks over
the cupboard an opens it up only to find a man with short silver haired man in a T-shirt

<Yaten>  Ye gads!  It's a gays-only walk-in closet!
<Seiya>  No!  It's a chryogenic freezing lab!

 and jeans tied up and gagged. "He's cute!" she thinks to herself,

<Seiya>  *mimics Sailormoon* .. but he looks sort of familiar.  Like someone we killed a few seconds ago.

 but reminds herself that she already has a boyfriend ,Mamoru.

<Mamoru>  Right.  *nods*

 She removes the gag from his mouth "Thank you." he says coughing for a couple of seconds. "This person attacked
me a took my form. He was saying something about stealing energy or something like that..." "Don't worry we 
got him" Sailor Moon express

<Usagi>  Sailormoon Express!
<Makoto>  Sounds like a cheesy name for a fanfic add-on season to the TV show.
<Minako>  Sailormoon Express, the fastest airmail service in Japan!  Packages flown right to your door by 
actual sailor senshi!

 in a very proud tone. "Let me untie you." She starts to unties him

<Usagi>  Wait... what am I doing to him?
<Minako>  You're untiesing him.  *shrugs*

 as she asks, "Do you have a girlfriend? I could set you up with..."

<All> *roll eyes; slapping of heads and exasperated groaning ensues* 

 Before she can finish her sentence,

<Minako>  *waves arms frenziedly*  Look out, fanfic Usagi! He's got a gun!!
<Haruka>  After all this time, she STILL hasn't figured out that they can't really hear us.  Sad. *pitying 
glance to Minako*

 the man pulls out a gun with a silencer on it and puts it to Usagi's head. He then pulls the trigger and 
blood is spread across the kitchen walls.

<Rei>  Whose blood we cannot say.  That would be classified information.

 Chibi-Usa comes out of the closet with 2 handful of cookies and 
other sweets "Sailor Moon look what I found!" She stops and sees the man over Sailor Moon's body and she 
drops the sweets "Usagi...", she says, mumbling. A black bands come out of the floor and entangle her and 
gag her mouth The man walks up to her and says "You're dead." 

<Michiru>  She is??  *looks puzzled*

He points the gun to her chest and shoots her twice.

<All>  *gasp* 

 The black bands disappear and Chibi-Usa's body falls to the floor and she moans in pain, bleeding.

<Usagi>  Does it seem strange that this makes me feel.. sort of happy?
<All>  Usagi!  *reprimanding glares*

         ---------------------------------------------------------

"Did you hear something?" Minako says looking towards the kitchen door.

<Makoto>  Oh, you mean those gunshots that came from the kitchen a few seconds ago?  Nope, didn't hear 'em.

 "I didn't hear anything", remarks Rei looking at Minako questionably.

<Rei>  Questionably. I _might_ have been looking at her, but that is questionable.  I might not have been.  
I suppose we'll never know the truth.

 "I didn't hear anything either.", Jupiter says still studying the black goo.
"I hate to interrupt this conversation," Mercury says, "but this program on the computer does absolutely 
nothing." "What do you mean Ami?" say Rei looking very concerned.

<Rei>  I _think_  she might have meant that _perhaps_ the program is just a ruse.  Stupid 'fic Rei!!

 "This computer program my look compacted but it does absolutely nothing.", Ami still typing away on the 
computer. 

<Taiki>  Taiki still incredibly disgusted with pitiful grammar.
<Makoto>  Makoto still wishing for writer of fanfic to have heart attack or be dragged out into street and 
shot.

"Do you mean to say we been led into some kind of trap?", Jupiter express in a concerned tone.

<Mamoru>  Umm.... possibly.
<Makoto>  Fanfic Jupiter not too bright, no.

 "Possibly....", Ami says and gets up off the chair.

<Mamoru>  Exactly.

 "Usagi! Chibi-Usa!", exclaims Minako while running toward the kitchen door.

<All>  No!  That's the kitchen door, you dolt!  
<Ami>  How could you possibly confuse a kitchen door with Chibiusa?
<Minako>  This is so unfair.  Why do I always run into the doors in these fanfics?  I must have a bruise on 
my nose the size of Texas.
<Usagi>  Texas?? *blinks*

 But before she can get there a dozen black humanoid shaped shadows come out of the shadows in the walls. The 
silver haired man comes out of the kitchen door and shoots Venus in the arm "Shit! It is a trap!", exclaims 
Jupiter.

<Makoto>  No!  Are you sure??
<Yaten> No!  That wasn't an ambush, it was just the friendly neighborhood youma welcoming committee!
<All>  Duh.

Eye-catch:[Spotlight on Luna then the spotlight wanders eventually finding Sailor Moon. Logo Pretty Solider 
Sailor Moon comes up]

<Seiya>  This is sounding suspiciously like a wannabe Sailormoon TV season.
<Rei> I think they'll have to change the intro since there IS no more pretty soldier Sailormoon in 
the Sailormoon series.. *snorts at fanfic irony*

Author's note: Gee I guess I'll have to change the eye-catch :) Editor's note: Yup. :)

<All>  Yay!  Shining happy editors!  :)
<Seiya>  :)
<Usagi>  :)
<Minako>  :)
<Yaten> :(
<Minako>  No, Yaten, like this.. :)
<Yaten>  Who says I was trying to smile?

Eye-catch:[Spotlight on Luna then the spotlight wanders eventually finding Sailor Moon. Logo Pretty Solider 
Sailor Moon comes up]

<Mamoru>  I'm getting the strangest feeling of deja vu... like we've read this before.
<Makoto>  Whooo.... spooky.
<Seiya>  Maybe you _have_ read these fanfics before.. the Dark Kingdom wasn't the real reason you died... it 
was the fanfics!  You were overexposed to the fanfics!
<All> *groan*  Seiya!

The shadow creatures surround the Scouts, Mercury is tending to Venus' wound and Mars and Jupiter are getting
ready to attack. The silver haired man comes toward them with a few of the shadow creatures guarding him.
"Looks like I have you Sailor Scouts", he says in a evil tone, "My lord will be very pleased.",

<Ami>  I knew it!  God is punishing us by making us read this stuff.  I wonder what we did to make God so 
pissed off at us...
<Makoto>  By now I have decided that if there WAS a god, our begging and pleading for mercy would've been 
answered.

 snickering under his breath. He shoots Rei in the leg.

<Rei> *snickers under her breath* Bang!  No more Rei!

 She moans in pain.

<Seiya>  No she didn't!  She jumped up and did the Dance of Joy!!
<All> *start performing the Dance of Joy*
<Rei>  No, really!  I *AM* moaning in pain!  Pain from the horrible, horrible fanfic!

 Jupiter gets ready to attack but knows she would
most likely die before she even laid a hand on him.

<Makoto>  Yes, fear the man with no magical powers and a measly revolver.  Go ahead and run, 'fic Jupiter, 
you have no dignity left to save anyway..

"What was that for?, Mercury utters looking very worried.

<Ami> I would never ask such a stupid question.  And I would've attacked by now...

 "Because I'm just that kind of guy.", he says in a sarcastic tone.

<All>  Uh.. heh heh.. heh.. *laugh weakly at lousy fanfic joke*

 "What have you done with Sailor Moon and Chibi-Moon?", Rei asks while putting pressure to her wound.

<Rei>  *as silver hair man*  Well, let's think for a moment.  I shot her, I shot her, and I shot you.  What do 
you think I did to _them_?

"Oh, those two? I had to kill them. They were in may way."

<Usagi>  May way!  What?!

 He says and holds up the Imperial Silver Crystal "I got this off Sailor Moon's body.

<All>  *roll eyes*
<Michiru>  There's taking liberties with a Sailormoon plotline, and then there's this... this thing.  Whatever 
this is.

Looks nice don't you think?"

<Usagi>  Yes, very pretty.  *looks at her own Silver Crystal*

They are all in a state of shock.

<Makoto>  What?  Naah, man, we're partying our asses off!  No more whiny Usagi!  No more bitchy Rei!  No more 
fanfic!!

 "Burning Mantra!",

<Rei>  Just what in the hell is a mantra??  *lower lip twitches*

 Mars says and the energy disks bounce of a shield surrounding him, hitting a number of the shadow creatures, 
causing them to disappear. "Whatever, Mars.", he says mockingly waving his hand at her.

<Rei> *waves back*  Hey!
<Haruka>  Valley boy silver hair man. *mumbles*

 Jupiter screams and charges toward him plowing through the shadow creatures ranks. He pulls out his gun and 
shoots her once, twice in the chest. She keeps coming.

<Minako>  Wow, Makato, you're such a trooper.  *slaps her back*
<Makoto>  Sheeeesh.  -_-
<Yaten> Yay, Makato! *snickers* 
<Mamoru> She just keeps coming and coming and...
<Usagi> If you're insinuating what I _think_ you're insinuating... stop that.

 He shoots her again and again.

<Usagi>  Bang!  Bang! Dead!

 She continues on and pushes him into the wall denting it considerably.

<Usagi>  Gee, she really IS determined to get that guy..
<Mamoru> She's got stamina, I tell ya! She just keeps COMING and COMING and--
*sound of Usagi throttling Mamoru*

 You hear the sound of cracking bones.

<Taiki> Snap!
<Yaten> Crackle!
<Seiya> Pop!
<Usagi>  Rice Crispies! 
<All> *shake their heads*

 The silver imperial crystal flies out of his hand toward the rest of the scouts.
"Get out of her while you still can. I'll take care of his ass-hole!".

<All>  0.o
<Mamoru>  I'm not even gonna touch that one. 
<Makoto>  Ah, yes, I believe that I can go ahead and kill myself now... do you mind, Seiya?
<Seiya>  Not at all.  *hands her his ponytail*

Jupiter says as she pounds her fists into his chest causing him to sink further into the wall he coughs up 
some black blood.

<Mamoru> *Silver Hair Man* Ooh, yes, punish me more! Yeah, that's it! Beat me! Hurt me!
<Usagi> Sicko.

 "Shabon spray!", Ami says and a dense fog forms.

<Ami>  FINALLY!
<Makoto>  *is attempting to strangle herself with Seiya's ponytail*

 The shadow creature look very confused not knowing what to do or where to go.

<Minako> Being that what little plot direction they'd had just disappeared..
<Rei> They never HAD any plot. Remember?

 Ami picks up the imperial 
crystal. "Help me with Rei and lets get out of here!"

<Ami> The Imperium Crystal simply stared at her in reply.

 Minako nods in agreement They both take Rei by one 
shoulder and start to run to the door as fast as they can.

<All>  See sailor senshi.  See senshi run.  Run, senshi, run.
<Yaten>  Run, run, run.

Meanwhile, Jupiter is in a berzerker rage

<Makoto>  *gives up and crumples to the ground, beating it with her fists and sobbing*

 beating the silver haired man into a pulp screaming, "You bastard! How could you kill her!!!.",

<Yaten>  *as silver hair man*  It was sort of easy.  First off, I, uh, had a gun so I shot her... secondly, 
my author doesn't know the most important rule of SM fanfics, that being 'never believe that you can make 
yourself God of the Anime without being chased about by rabid Moonies brandishing pitchforks'.
<Taiki>  Has anyone else noticed that all this time the author hasn't gotten a _single_ sentence punctuated 
correctly?? *clenches fists*
<Haruka>  No, it's just you.
<Taiki> AAAARRGGH!!! *runs into the wall and blacks out temporarily*

 and continues to punch him. He head-butts her causing her too step back, two of those 
shadow creatures claw into her back. She falls to her knees.

<Usagi>  How many bullets has she got in her now?
<Rei>  Oh, about 5 or 6 by my count.
<Minako>  Yet she keeps on going.  Such a trooper.  *pats the quivering Makoto on her 
shoulder reassuringly*  
<Yaten>  *to Mako*  Just think, only a few more paragraphs until we're done with this episode.

"You hurt me!", he says,

<Seiya> *whiny* I don't know why you keep hurting me like this! I don't think
you love me anymore!

 wiping the blood of his lip, "No one in a thousand years has hurt 
me as much as you have!"

<Mamoru> .. I LIKE it! Do it some more!

 "Glad to hear it.", she says, while getting up, "But not done in yet."

<All>  Rats.

 "Oh I think you are" he says, "Shall we finish this?"

<Yaten>  Sometime this millennium would be nice.

 "Usagi...", Makoto says and charges the man.

<Makoto>  Uh, no, fanfic Jupiter, Usagi would be the one lying on the floor over 
there, dead.  *points*

 He puts out his arm straight towards Makoto and opens his palm. A black energy come 
out of his palm and engulfs her and she cries out in pain. She falls to her knees grabbing 
at the man's legs.

<Rei> *Makato* Argh.. mustn't die now.. ooh! Are these Docker's khakis?
<Mamoru> *Silver Hair Man* Yeah. Got 'em for 24.99 at the Thanksgiving sale.
<Rei> You.. lucky... bastard... *flop*

 "I can't die now..." 
"Yes, you die now",

<Minako> *Makato* Yes! Whoopee! Go for it, man!
<Mamoru> *Silver Hair Man* You're not supposed to ENJOY dying.
<Minako> Oh. Sorry.

 he kicks her back and Makoto slumps to the floor.

<Makoto>  P-please... kill me now... *cries loudly*
<All>  Yes, kill her now!

 He then forms a black blade in his hand and shoves the blade through her throat.

<Usagi>  Wow..... and that's the end of Makoto.
<Makoto>  *is calming down slightly, but still sobbing*
<Michiru>  I think this guy's been watching too many cheap thrillers.
<Yaten>  Aww, see, Makoto, it's all better now.  You're going to be ok.  
*helps Mako back to her desk*

 "Now to finish the other three", he says looking around in the fog. Out of the shadow nearest 
to him he pulls out a M-16 assault rifle.

<Seiya>  *as shadow* Hey, keep your hands to yourself, buddy.

 "This should be enough to take care of them.",

<Rei>  Oh, no, I think he needs some grenades.
<Yaten>  Maybe some nuclear missiles...
<Usagi>  Because those sailor senshi are some tough eggs to crack.

  he thinks to himself. He looks toward the remainder of the shadow creatures," There 
probably heading toward the door, after them.

<Minako>  Are you going to let any of us escape alive, I wonder?

 Let none of them escape alive."

<Minako> Oh... woohoo!! *claps*

--------------------------------------------------------------------
Continued...


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