The Three Lights sat staring at the blank screen of their new theater. Kou Yaten
blinked and asked, without really expecting an answer, "so, I guess we're going 
to have to review with the rest of the common folk, aren't we?"
Seiya wrinkled his nose. Taiki lolled his head, groggily taking in the furnishings
of his new hell. It had been nearly an hour since they'd all been beamed aboard
into the theater room by Pendrell's Torture Implementation Device, and they'd 
since been milling around and dozing off waiting for a sign. Or anything, really.
Taiki had situated himself in the first row, staring straight up at the screen
of infinite evil and pain. Seiya was nodding off every now and then in the chair 
beside him. Yaten, meanwhile, was inspecting the new sofa.
"What the hell is this, a makeout couch? Jeez. Who's crazy enough to put a couch
in a movie theater?"
Taiki and Seiya replied quite boredly, "Pendrell is."
A scant few seconds later, all the senshi minus Setsuna and Usagi came ambling
through the doorway, discussing their usual randominities. Turning to face the
crowd, Taiki waved half-heartedly, and Mamoru blinked questioningly in return.
"Taiki? I thought you payed off Pendrell to get away from the Satellite of Lethargy. 
And Yaten! You ran off with all the cash from your last concert! How is it that 
you're all back here again?"
"..." Seiya burst into tears and buried his face in Taiki's coat lapel. 
Mamoru rolled his eyes. "Okay. So Pendrell tracked you down like dogs and abducted 
you. You should know by now that there's no escaping a mad scientist." Seiya looked
up and shot Mamoru a glare of appreciation, wiping his eyes free of tears. 
Taiki's face suddenly contracted a look of slight concern. "Say, where's Usagi?
And Setsuna?"
"Umm..." everyone else turned and looked around. Growing expressions of fear and
terror spread across their faces.
"Ohmigod, ohmigod, what if Pendrell checks in on us and they're not here yet??
AAHHH!!!" Minako screamed and bashed her head against the wall. "She'll kill us!
She'll zap us with a toaster! She'll make us read Crystalis again!!"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!" Pandemonium then ensued amongst the crew of the SoL.
"HEY! Calm down in there. What on Earth's the matter with you, lab rats?" the magic
voice of Pendrell demanded, gaining the attention of the senshi.
"Umm..." Mamoru started, then faltered and trailed off.
"We lost Usagi and Setsuna somehow," mumbled Rei, tapping her foot in frustration.
"Usagi probably tried to escape via the back hatch, so she's a space pancake by now
in all likelyhood.."
Everyone else nodded in silent, solemn agreement with this statement.
Minako suddely brightened considerably. "I'll go check the kitchen and see if Usagi
got stuck in the fridge! Yeah!" She scrambled to the door and was almost out of sight 
when the commanding voice of Pendrell froze her in her tracks. 
"Apprehend the blonde!" yodelled the nutty one. Mamoru obliged and yanked Minako
back into the theater, much to her disappointment.
Pendrell snorted. "Aw, come on. Setsuna and Usagi are down here, hanging with me. 
I brought 'em down for a little test run and whatnot, so you can forget about it 
already and sit down and.. observe. Yeeessss. Hee hee..."
Much groaning ensued. 
A very good question occurred to Taiki. "Heeeeyy. Why did you only take Setsuna and
Usagi?"
Chuckling evilly, Pendrell replied, "so I played favorites this time. Fork over some 
more dough and maybe it'll be you next time! Think about it.. won't you?"
Taiki slammed his head against the seat in front of him over and over while Yaten
shook his fist toward the general direction of the Earth. "Bastard! We ain't got
no more money!!"
Pendrell snickered and commented, "well, ye'd better find a way to get some, otherwise
you're stuck up there, ladies. Now then. Today's fanfic! A gorgeously gruesome example
of semi-self-insertion, I give you..."
The senshi braced themselves, covering their ears and crouching in their seats.
".. WHO THE HELL IS SAILORSUN? Bwahahahah!!" With that, Pendrell pressed the button
on the Fanficulator and started another hellish adventure for the inhabitants of 
Satellite Lethargy.





Kaioh Michiru's "Who the Hell is Sailorsun?"

<Taiki> A question we were all dying to ask, let me tell you!..

 - ch. 1
Asukachan@Evapilot.com

<All> *shake heads* Ohhh Asuka. My my my.
<Mamoru> We're gonna have to beat the nuts out of you for this one.


        First of all, the characters aren't mine, with the exception of
Sailorsun, who might have been created before,

<All> *SHOCK* MIGHT have been??!
<Taiki> Rather, where the hell have YOU been? Under a rock?? EVERYONE'S 
invented Sailorsun by now!

 I just don't know about it. :P

<All> You stupid, stupid girl.

 oh, and
all the immediate family of Sun, her guardian and a few others,

<Makoto> Gary Coleman and Danny Elfman.

 I made them
up too.

<Ami> •author• I also invented toothpaste and the Bad Plot Contrivance.

 There will be strong language and sexual situations, but it's not
hentai!

<Yaten> Oh sure, and it MIGHT contain girl-on-girl sex, but it's NOT yuri, 
and it MIGHT contain some Mamoru-Fiore action, but it's NOT yaoi...
<All> Right!

 All rights reserved, yada yada yada,

<Seiya> *laughs evilly* .. GOD, I love Seinfeld.

 Naoko Takeuchi, yada yada
yada...

<All> And so on and so on and what have you, yadda yadda yadda...

 And any similarities are not my fault, with the exception of
Sailorsun, because I modeled her after myself a bit.

<All> *mockingly* Just a BIT, of course.
<Yaten> Now, she may seem well-loved by both the main characters and the 
villains too, but that doesn't mean she's the NEW main character. And she may 
control the fate of the entire universe, but that doesn't mean she's a 
GODDESS of the fic or anything...

 (and her name is
pronounced "Ee-lee-sah")

<All> Sacajewaneweesah!
<Mamoru> Eeeee-leeee-EESAH! Like, guyiii! Duuuh! *rolls eyes*

. Please let me know if you like my story,

<All> Only if you promise to wake us up when it's over.

 you can
e-mail me at:  asukachan@evapilot.com .

<Rei> •author• You can kill me at (provides street address and house number).

 Title the e-mail Sailorsun.

<Mamoru> Orrr just send me a blank with the title 'U Suck.'

  If you
don't like my story, then tough. It's only a story, not worthy of the time
to send flames...

<Taiki> Pardon, but the scholar here begs to differ. If but one tiny opinion 
such as ours can make a difference, it will have been worth it. 

 But, if you do like it, please let me know, and I'll work
on another. ^_^

<All> Hypocrisy!
<Taiki> You know what you can do with your fanfic? Shove it. Just SHOVE 
IT UP YOUR--
<Makoto> Whoa there! *stuffs edge of a couch pillow in Taiki's mouth* No need 
to get ugly so soon.

        Also, I wanted to mention my influences: My boyfriend, Steve

<All> You poor, poor guy.. 
<Ami> •author• Steve makes me do it! I swear!

 (better
known as Kou-Yaten on IRC1s Undernet).

<Seiya> Better known as the guy who could've done better but just took what 
he could get, namely... you.
<Makoto> Must we get so personal?

 Brian (better known as Serian on Undernet),
because he has an incredible imagination.

<Taiki> Of which we see very little influence here.

 And last, but not least, Naoko
Takeuchi, for creating such amazing characters in the first place.

<All> And letting people like you steal them, mess with them, etc.

        One last thing, I'm not sure when this story takes place.

<Yaten> Man, get off the stuff already. You must know _something_ about 
your own story.

 I'm
assuming
since I placed the inners in the second year of High School, that it's 
been at least 6 months since the final battle.

<All> Umm.. maybe seven... dunnooooo... wish I knew something...
<Taiki> *desperately* _Anything_.

        (Sorry, I know I tend to ramble...)

<Minako> Aw, it's ok. Really. We don't.. mind. *mumbles* Guys, put away those 
butcher knives.

Title:

<All> Oh. Well we can see the... huh?
<Taiki> *stifled resentment* Missing a little something, aren't we?

Who the hell is Sailorsun?

<Taiki> Ah. There it is. It was just hiding from us.
<Seiya> For a moment there I figured this fic was so bad that even its own 
title was anonymous.

By:

<All> A nobody.
<Seiya> Right you are.

Kaioh 'Michi' Michiru

<Yaten> *sadly* More like 'Michi' Michelob Lite, juding by the writing style...

A brief background

<Rei> If your last paragraph was any indication of your idea of briefness--
<Minako> --we're in for one heck of a loooong ride.

 (please keep in mind, some of this isn1t true untill
later in the story):

<All> Then why mention it now?

Basic Sailorsun info:

<Ami> *bored* Powerful. Really, really powerful. Attack phrases range from "Sun 
Star shine!" to the ever-present "Solar flare!" May or may not be the key to the 
survival of the entire cast of Sailormoon. Has goofy Americanized Romanji name. 

Name: Elysa Tenso Soleil

<All> Strike one!

Age:19

<Ami> Did I mention she'd happen to be in the prime of youth?

Hair: Wavy Red-Blonde (same color as Asuka's from Evangelion, and twice as
wavy as Michiru1s)

<All> Hmm.. Michiru1..
<Michiru> There can be only one.. Michiru.
<All> So nice to see you awake for once.
<Michiru> Urusai yo.

Eyes: Grey

Birthdate: July 22

<Rei> Likes: kittens, sunny days, ice cream, blowing up bad guys, other sailor 
senshi...

Birthplace: Oahu, Hawaii

<All> Exotic AND has god-like powers.
<Mamoru> Can't get no better than this.

Senshi Colors: Gold Skirt, Silver Bows, Silver Heels W/ ribbons that wrap up
to the knees (like ballet slippers),

<Seiya> *slurred* Let's see ya dance, ya pansy. BANG! BANG!

 Gold Trimmed White Mid-Forearm length
gloves

<All> ZzZzZ...
<Makoto> .. what an _ugly_ fuku, dude.

Senshi Transformation Call: Sun Star Power, Make-Up!

<Ami> AAAGGH!! 
<Taiki> ^^; Now now..
<Michiru> -Sun Star-, is it? My, we're just spiralling downward into ever-increasing 
depths of redundancy, aren't we?
<All> And that would be strike two for the author.

Senshi Power Call: Solar Flare (she'll get more powers later)

<Ami> I told you. Didn't I tell you? You see? It's all coming together...

Favorite Foods: Anything Japanese

<Makoto> •author• I wish so desperately to be Japanese. Perhaps if I eat this 
sushi I shall actually become Japanese!
<Three Lights> *sing* I think I'm turning Japanese... I really think so...

Least Favorite Foods: American Fast Food

<Seiya> Aw, fast food _you_, punk. 

Favorite Pastime: Daydreaming, Drawing, Singing

<Yaten> Yep, your typical wannabe otaku here, folks..
<Minako> As in, the kind that can't really sing OR draw but continues to do so 
despite the annoyance of friends and family?
<Yaten> _Exactly_, Mina-chan.

Least Favorite Pastime: Being Stuck Behind Slow Drivers

<All> *fret* Who let this crazed fic writer out on the open roads?

Secretly Wishes That: Her Father would pay her some attention, that Haruka had 
a double

<Haruka> --so she could get double the amount of crap beaten out of her for 
hitting on Haruka.
<Michiru> Yeah. ^^

Favorite Color: Silver

<Taiki> You know, I think it's a trademark of bad fanfic self-inserts: they ALWAYS 
match red with silver for some reason. Like she did back there with the fuku.
<All> *ponder* How true...
<Makoto> Wow. I never realized.. it must be a conspiracy.

Favorite Music Type: J-Pop, Techno

<All> •author• I'm NOT a wannabe! Really! 

Favorite Song: Almost Anything By Romantic Mode or Two-Mix

<Duo> *saunters in* Bitch! How dare you call the name of Two-Mix in this 
abomination of common sense?!
<All> 0_0 Ohayo, Duo-san.
<Duo> Hey. Mind if I join in? More the merier and all that. *sits next to Makoto 
and Minako* 
<Minako> *drools vacantly*
<Makoto> Stop that. *elbows her roughly*

Favorite Animal: Large Cats,

<All> Two words: Rhett Butler.
<Ami> And for those of you who've only seen the dub, my heart goes out to you.

 Especially Lionesses

Favorite Book: The Vampire Lestat, By Anne Rice

<Duo> Figures. She prolly can't read any actual yaoi doujinshi so she goes for the 
Anne Rice novels..
<Rei> Hey, I happen to LIKE Anne Rice. 
<Duo> I'm just stating a matter of fact.. Anne Rice likes male/male pairings better 
than the heterosexual alternative. *shrug* 
<Rei> Yeah, true, she DID say that, but--
<All> Shut up. Losers.
<Minako> This isn't Anne Rice Hour, okay?
<Duo and Rei> -_-;;

Favorite Author: Takeuchi Naoko

<All> Whoa. Didn't see that coming. *blink*

Favorite Video Game: Puzzle games, adventure games and fighting games

<Ami> Nice. How about being a little less vague next time?

Wants To Be: A Singer

<All> You can't be and you WON'T be if the general public has anything to say 
about it.
<Duo> Two words: Britney Spears.
<All> Gaah! *Duo is buried under a hail of pillows*

Can't Stand: Usagi's Voice, Typical Men

<Mamoru> Umm.. define 'typical'.
<Rei> Stupid, ignorant and self-centered. Oh, and don't forget lazy.
<Duo> I hope that's not the set standard, man. 
<Mamoru> If it is I'm in trouble...
<Rei> Mamoru-kun, you might not have noticed, but Usagi's a bit taken by you.. 
as in, she'll never leave you. EVER.
<Minako and Makoto> *scary little British voices* You'll be together for ever.. 
and ever.. and ever...
<Mamoru> Should this gladden me or disappoint me beyond belief? ^_-

Has Never Told Anyone: She's Bisexual

<Rei> You SEE? I _told_ you she'd be into other sailor senshi, DIDN'T I!!! >< 
BWAH!
<Duo> *throws off a few pillows* I feel your pain, man.

Background:

        Elysa was born in America, but was concieved in Japan.

<All> Didn't need to know it, didn't _want_ to know it.

 Her parents had been living there for almost 9 years and had moved to Hawaii only a 
month before she was born. The family lived there for a year, then moved to Australia,
then back to Hawaii shortly before her mother died when Elysa was 3.

<Duo> What really rich people do to get rid of money that they have no use for.
<Minako> •Elysa's mum• Damn..! Wherever we go, the kid keeps coming with us! 
<Mamoru> Um, maybe if you just left her by the side of the road and drove off.. 
<Minako> Naw, too easy.

 Elysa
and her father then moved to California.

<Minako> Um, mummy? Where are you going? Mummy? The airport is _this_ way.. oh nuts, she 
hopped a Greyhound to Pensacola.

        Elysa has always been an independent girl, since her mother's death.
Her
father dosen't pay much attention to her anymore, and lets her have whatever
she wants without question, though she never asks for much.

<Ami> Of course not, being that self-inserts are usually so self-sufficient and are 
generally shining examples of humility.. *scoffs*


 She does,
however, tend to do some odd things, such as 

<Makoto> --burning the neighbors' houses down.
<Minako> Going on random killing sprees.

going on spur-of-the-moment

<Minako> *sings* random late-nite kiiiilling sprees.

vacations, usually early in the morning, or very late at night. 

<Mamoru> Sometimes in mid-afternoon, other times at a brunchish hour.. whenever, 
really.

She does it
so often, her dad dosen't even bother to worry anymore, he just finances
whatever she needs and leaves the rest to her.

<Rei> Why didn't my grandpa ever let me do that kinda stuff? 
<Duo> Because your grandpa would rather look up young girls' skirts than voluntarily 
fork up some money for your benefit.
<Rei> How did you know..? *suspicious*
<Duo> He thought I was of the female persuasion and tried to touch me in lascivious 
ways. There! Explanation done! Now leave me alone! >< 
<Mamoru> *nods* S'okay, man, we've all been there with Rei's grandpa a time or two..

        Elysa wears a pendant

<Taiki> *pointing ferociously* IT'S CAPTAIN UNIVERSE IN FEMALE GUISE!!! Run! Run!!
<Duo> You said that last time, too. And it wasn't Captain Universe then either. Stop 
being so paranoid!

 that has never been removed since it was
placed
around her neck at around age 2.

<Makoto> I think this implies that when she reached age three, the necklace became 
enfolded in her baby fat and she was strangled to death.
<Minako> And we know this was an intentional move on her mother's part, too.
<Ami> Man. You guys are just getting EVIL. 

She dosen't remember where she got it, she
just knows it's special.

<All> YOU'RE special.
<Rei> The kind of special that gets to ride the short bus to school.

Prologue:

        She sat straight up in bed. In the darkness she fumbled around for

<Duo> •girl• Mff, script, script.. umm, line.. anybody.. SOMEBODY!!..	

the
pendant she wore around her neck, then clasping it in a vice-like grip
between both hands,

<ALL> CRRRRUNCH.

 she lay back down and relaxed a bit. Another dream.

<All> Another day, another dollar.
<Mamoru> Just another day of workin' for the man..

 The
same one she had had for months now, only more vivid this time.

<Ami> THIS time it was Sailoruranus AND Sailorneptune going down on her 
simultaniously!
<All> *gasp* A.. Ami..!!
<Usagi> @_@

 She knew it
would all happen soon. She tried to go back to sleep, but realized it was a
futile effort... The new element to the dream was too hard to just push out
of her mind...

<Makoto> •girl• Mmm... well, it was good until the part where Rei set me on 
fire and burned my script.

        In her dream, she saw a young man and a young woman,

<All> •author• *wink* Need I go on?

 trying to save
a young
girl from a horde of hideous monsters.

<Mamoru> Tentacle-covered.. monsters.. *vomits upon memory recall of Overfiend*

 They were all shouting in a language
she didn't know, but somehow understood completely.

<Makoto> Oh, sure, I can see tha... whuh?

 She knew they were
asking for her help. She would always wake up at this point, but tonight it
was different... The monsters encircled her and one ripped the pendant from
around her neck.

<Taiki> Take that, Captain Universe. 

  They then destroyed it as the couple looked on in horror.
The man then turned to her and screamed "Why didn't you save us? Why didn't
you save our daughter?" in perfect English. 

<All> Okey-dokey.
<Taiki> Mayhaps the author has had a little smokey-smokey..
<Ami> Look, they're NOT on drugs, they're just bad writers.. we're NOT dragging 
personal lifestyles into this, okay? .. Taiki? *hands him a pointed Dunce hat* 
You get a five minute time out in the corner. No more funny pendant remarks for 
you.
<Taiki> *grabs hat and dances away* Thank you, _thank_ you, Ami!!

They then were killed, including
the little girl... 

<Taiki> *from the corner* Hey, what's goin' on? Did I miss anything? Huh? Anybody 
want a Mountain Dew? There's a whole pile of 'em over here!..
<Ami> Shaddup over there.
<The theater door opens and the silhouette of Heero Yuy fills the small frame.>
<Heero> Oh, Duo... c'mere..
<Duo> Eep!.. *hides behind Makoto* Don't let them take me!!
<Heero> Get over here. *grabs the back of Duo's shirt and drags him bodily out of the 
theater, with Duo kicking and screaming oppression all the while*
<Duo> Halp! I'm being oppressed! Eee.. 
<The door shuts. All turn back to the screen.>
<Mamoru> I enjoyed his company.. in a weird sort of way.
<Minako> Aw. No more eye candy.
<Makoto> Less corny comments from you, blondie. *elbows Minako*

That's when she woke up. It was the first time she had
seen his face.

<Ami> The face of God!

        She looked at the digital clock on the bedstand and saw it was only
4:00am.
She sighed. She had only been asleep for 3 hours. Wide awake now, she turned
on the television. Not finding anything at all interesting, she flipped
through the channels...

<Mamoru> A day in the life, minna.. isn't it a _grand_ experience?
<All> *yawn*

 nothing but infomercials and adds for psychics and
sex lines.

<Seiya> Hell, if she doesn't find _that_ amusing.. phone sex lines are _always_ 
amusing one way or another.
<Makoto> •Elysa• Hello.. is this a 900 number?
<Minako> Hiya sweetie, you've reached 1-900-DIAL-A-SLR, where we've got the hottest,
horniest senshi waiting to talk to YOU!
<Makoto> ... is that you, Minako?
<Minako> Ahh! *click*

 She leaned back onto the pillows, and continued to go through the
stations until she found one that was showing an old "Speed Racer" cartoon.

<All> Mach-uu go go gooo!

She stopped and watched for a moment, then realized the language was the
same as from her dream.

<All> Oh heaven help us.
<Ami> If she's doing what I THINK she's doing...

 They were all speaking in Japanese.

<Makoto> If this chick suddenly finds the ability to speak fluent Japanese, I'll 
hurt someone.

 She paid closer
attention to the show now, trying to understand a bit as the characters
talked to one another, but for some reason, she couldn't .

<All> .. HA HA HA! *point mockingly*
<Mamoru> What's the matter with her? Her self-insert god-like powers must be 
considerably weakened if she can't even translate a language she's never heard 
before.

 She had nearly
given up the effort as the news came on. A couple of stories showed, nothing
very interesting,

<All> *nodding lazily* And how..

 when a story about a racer who had just won a race, by
over 8 seconds, aired. Everyone was referring to the driver as "Mach Go Go"
and "Speed Racer." She recognized the words from the show before. She looked
up and saw the driver. It was the same man from her dream.

<Yaten> Tenoh Haruka, would you please step up to the front of the fanfic? Tenoh 
Haruka..

 "Tenoh Haruka."

<Rei> *looks at the snoozing Michi and Haruka* Only one problem. She's not a man.

Her hand flew up to her mouth as her body froze.

<Yaten> Death be upon you, you naughty self-insert. I blow the icy breath of cold 
death at you. Now go away. You disgust me. Just.. get out of here. Ha ha ha!! 
*mad laughter ensues for several seconds*

 She stared at the TV ,
unmoving, unblinking, until the story was over. She then jumped up and
packed a suitcase as fast as she could.

<Minako> •girl• Aha! I know now what I must do! I must become a Haruka-stalker!

 She knew where she had to be now.

<Makoto and Minako> •girl• By your side.. always, Haruka-chan.. *eyes sparkle with 
subservient joy*

She had to save Tenoh Haruka. She had to go to Japan.

<Mamoru> Why don't you just call collect and save a buck or two?
<Ami> She should go to Disneyland instead and save a _grand_ or two.
<All> *nod* Yeah.

*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^

<Mamoru> Oh look, you can see a bunch of little snowflakes and wishbones if you 
squint your eyes just so.

        "Haruka-Papa!" a young voice yelled. Haruka turned to see her
adoptive
daughter, Hotaru, running towards her.

<Seiya> IS she a man, ISN'T she a man..? Sigh.

 Haruka knew that Setsuna and Michiru
would not be far behind.

<Makoto> They tend to follow her like little lost puppies.

 She picked up Hotaru and carried her to meet up
with her partner, and their friend. Setsuna took Hotaru from Haruka's arms
as Michiru gave the driver a hug.

<Rei> •Michiru• Thanks for driving us here and all that, James. I love you. 
I really mean it, too. Remind me to give you a few days off for Christmas or 
something.

 Haruka hugged back.

<Rei> •Michiru• Oops.. sorry, wrong driver. 

        "You were wonderful out there, Haruka." Michiru said to her lover.
Hotaru nodded.

<Minako> Less talk from you, frail one.

        "Haruka-Papa was faster than everyone, right, Michiru-Mama?" Michiru
smiled.

<All> Quit talking to youself, Michiru.

        "Yes, she was." Michiru slid her arm around Haruka's waist as they
walked
to the crowd of reporters that had gathered. One of the reporters said
"Tenoh Haruka is better than Mach Go-Go" and everyone in the crowd began to
agree and call her that. Haruka rolled her eyes, and Michiru giggled. ŒSpeed
Racer?1 

<All> Err... yes. *shrug*
<Ami> Check your logic at the door.

 Michiru knew how much Haruka hated to be called that, and started
to hum the theme.

<Mamoru> Keep at it and she'll leave you for Elysa.
<All> *glumly* Most likely.

 Haruka looked down at her. "What?" Michiru asked gently,
feigning innocence.

<Makoto> •Michiru• Oops, did I just hum the entire theme song to 'Mach Go Go'? 
*covers mouth* Gee, how completely unintentional of me!

 Haruka smiled a little and shook her head. 

<Mamoru> •Haruka• I hate you and I want you to die.

Michiru let
the driver go on ahead, into the crowd, and turned and walked with Setsuna
and Hotaru to the exit.

<Rei> •Michi• We'll just let Haruka's adoring fans grope her for a little bit, 
then we'll head home.

 Michiru stopped, feeling a chill on the back of her
neck, and turned to face the bleachers. They were still full of people,
getting up to leave. She scanned the crowd... nothing. Michiru then
dismissed the thought and continued to leave the stadium with her friend and
her adoptive daughter.

*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^
<Minako> Kanji through the eyes of the author...
<Seiya> Really, what CAN you say to that line? It's so... random.

Chapter 1

  "Miss Elysa?" The red-headed girl looked up at limo driver.

<Mamoru> Limo driver said, "what? You got problem with me grammar?"

        "Yes?." She answered.

<All> We agree for once.

        "We have arrived at the Hino Temple."

<Rei> Aw, leave me out of this, you.

        "Oh, thank you."  Elysa Soleil replied. Her father had arranged for
her to stay at the Temple, being close business partners with Mr. Hino.

<Ami> Ah, so she knows about Rei's daddy and his business. Hopefully this means 
that she knows more than two paragraphs' worth of information from the manga.

 She stepped
out of the limo, into the blinding sunlight. Elysa was greeted by a young
man who bowed formally and offered to help her carry her bags.

<Rei> Yuichirou or grandpa in a wig.

 As he led her
through the house, she noticed a room, the door slightly open, and a female
sitting with her back to Elysa.

<Makoto> •girl• Go away from my area of space, wannabe senshi girl, I turn my 
back on you and go into a trance to avoid speaking with you.

 The fire in front of her was popping and
cracking, and she suddenly turned and yelled something in Japanese at Elysa
.

<Rei> Probably something nice like "dishonourable dog!".
<Makoto> Or "get away, filthy wannabe," "we already have one too many Sailorsuns 
running around Tokyo," so on...

 Elysa took a step backwards, said "I-I'm sorry."

<Mamoru> Well, considering that Rei's Japanese, it might've helped to say 
"sumimasen," perhaps..
<Ami> *smirks* Now, Mamoru, if you were a self-inserting author, why would
you bother to learn Japanese when you could just make all the characters conform
to your language? They're all going to speak English eventually. It's only a 
matter of time... *trails off*


 and hurried to catch up
to the man with her bags.

        It only took her a few minutes to unpack. Elysa was never known to
be a heavy packer, and considering the fact that she had thrown everything into a
suitcase and driven off to the airport, there wasn't much *to* unpack.

<Ami> Just the badly-penned plot and a couple of wads of cash. 

 She
had called her father, who was on a business trip in Australia, from the car
and he had arranged for her transportation and accommodations while in
Japan. He was used to her doing this by now, Elysa had been doing these
things since she was about 15; Running off at all hours to different
destinations.

<Mamoru> *sniffs* Poor spoiled little child. My heart really goes out to her.

 Elysa guessed he was used to it by now, since he had stopped
asking her why around the time she turned 17. That was over a year ago, and
since then he had done everything she had asked without question.

<Makoto> •Elysa• Go to bed, old man!
<Mamoru> Just gotta get in that Cave Dwellers reference, haven't you? 

 Elysa
sighed. She hadn't slept since she had woken up the night before. She lay
down on the bed and promptly fell asleep. The next thing she knew, she was
waking up to the sound of purring.

<Yaten> •Rei• Shall I put on the red leather dominatrix suit or the black? Your 
choice, toots.

 She opened her eyes and saw a black cat
sitting on her chest, looking down at her.

<Seiya> •Luna• Ha ha, look at you, you're a flat one, aren't you? Not the same case 
with Usagi. She's got some major packaging going on up there, lemme tell ya!..

 She gasped, startled, the sighed and reached up to pet the animal.

        "You startled me, neko-chan." she stated ( 'neko' being one of the
only Japanese words she knew)

<Ami> •Luna• Do not call me 'chan', otherwise I shall bite your head off.

 The cat meowed and jumped down to the floor. She
looked at her watch. 4:30am it read. She had forgotten to change it to match
the time zone.

<Minako> For such an experienced traveler, she doesn't know much..
<Makoto> No, she just doesn't know much at all. Period.

 She wondered what time it was there. She looked out the
window and guessed it was sometime in the afternoon.  Elysa got up and
picked up her hairbrush and proceeded to brush her hair as the cat watched
her. She looked down at the cat. "What?"

<Rei> •Elysa• Quit looking at me as though I'm single-handedly ruining your 
show's entire plot.

 she asked as she finished with her
hair and secured it in a French twist with her 2 hair sticks.

<Mamoru> *yawns* This is such extreme French-twisting action. Think I might wet 
myself if she keeps it up like this.

 The cat jumped
back up on the bed, put her front paws on Elysa's lap and stared into her
eyes.

<All> •Luna• Feed me... feed me... I am your lord and master.. you will obey...

 Elysa looked at the cat questioningly. The cat then looked down to
Elysa's pendant,

<Taiki> •Luna• Egads, it's Captain Universe! Not again!!
<All> Silence must be sustained at all times in the timeout corner.
<Taiki> *sniffs* Fine. *turns back around*

 then jumped down off the bed again, and ran out the door.
Elysa sighed again. "Strange cats around here."

<All> Strange, meaningless plot devices around here, too.

 she mumbled to herself, then went in search of the bathroom.

        "Rei-san." Luna said to the brunette sitting around a table with the
rest
of the inner-senshi. Rei looked down.

<Rei> Umm.. table... table...

        "What is it Luna?" she asked.

        "Who is the girl staying here?"

<All> *in unison* An extremely boring self-insert sailor senshi wannabe.

        "One of my father's business partner's daughters." Rei replied to
the
inquisitive cat. "Why do you ask?"

<Mamoru> •Luna• Dunno. Can we kill her?

        "She seems familiar to me, though I don't know why..." Luna trailed
off.

<Minako> *gets the idea* Ahh, so she's associated with Luna before in the past, 
and now the senshi're going to rediscover even _more_ lost memories they never knew 
they'd had.. oh.. it's an attempt to make the character have some relevance to 
things, right? 

"She's American, right?

<Makoto> Trying hard not to be.

 Has she ever been here before?"
   
"Not that I can remember." Rei replied.
   
"Rei-chan, when did she get here?" Minako asked.
   
"Did you know she was coming?" inquired Makoto.

<Yaten> •evil• Stop asking me such stupid questions or I shall throw you all into 
the sacred fire! 

        "Father called a few hours before she arrived. Yuichiro took the
message, I was fortune telling at the time.

<Minako> Hey, Rei is no gypsy. 
<Rei> Maybe I finally figured out how to gouge the temple visitors for more 
money. Good for Rei. Show 'em that ingeneous nature! *cheers her fic self on*

 I didn't know she was coming until after she had arrived." Rei answered.  
Usagi, who had been reading a magazine looked up.

<Rei> •Usagi• .. are you still here?

        "What's going on?" she asked in her usual high-pitched tone.

        "Usagi!" Rei yelled. "Pay attention!"

<Minako> •Usagi• TRYING to! Now if you'd just tell me what's going on..!

        "Rei-chan, don't be so mean!" Usagi yelled back.

        "Please don't fight." Ami said quietly. The girls

<All> -- threw the one sane person amongst them out the balcony window.

 ignored Ami and began to have a loud argument.

<Makoto> How can a flag flap in space? It CAN'T!
<Minako> YOU tell Captain Harlock he can't make a flag flap in space!
<Rei> Guys! Guys! Better argument.
<Ami> Okay. How gay is Kaworu?
<Seiya> Oh, come on, Kaworu is NOT gay! He's just..
<Makoto> GAY?
<Seiya> NO! >< HE'S NOT GAY!!
<Yaten> He may be a fruit, but he's not gay. *grin*
<Rei> He's gay as hell. Admit it!
<Seiya> NEVER! I shall _never_ admit it! Because it just isn't true.. it isn't... 
*mumbles sullenly*
<Rei> Sore loser. *sticks tongue out*


 The noise attracted Elysa, who was still looking for
the elusive bathroom.

<Mamoru> I just love bathrooms that play hide-and-seek with you just when you 
need 'em most.
<Makoto> Perhaps the trick to this is that Rei's shrine has no bathroom.
<All> ah... 0_o

 Luna meowed when she saw Elysa standing in the
doorway.

<Ami> We can translate that to insane cat laughter about Elysa's unfortunate 
predicament.

 Artemis, who had been lying asleep in the sun, woke up and looked
at the stranger.

<Yaten> •mellow Artemis• Who is this stranger with hair of Asuka and personality 
like bland cheese?

 All the girls turned to see what had made the cats so
interested.

<Mamoru> Most cats are enthralled by watching leaves rustle for hours. So what!

 Rei stood up and bowed to her guest.

<Seiya> She then gave up trying to be civil and resorted to yelling random things 
at her again.

        "Welcome to my home. I apologize for my rudeness earlier." she said.

<Ami> Rei now speaks perfect English. How.. perfect.
<Rei> No no no, it's Japanese. The author just has no idea how to actually say it 
in Japanese so she wrote the dialogue in English. Convenient, eh.

Elysa
bit her lip.

<Mamoru> The hole in her lip slowly drained her head of the air that had previously 
been pumped into it by the author.

        "Um, does anyone speak any English?" She asked.

<All> Sure. Why didn't you ask earlier?

 Minako stood up as
the
others looked at each other, trying to figure out what the stranger had
said.

<Makoto> There's no point in that. Just give up and send her back home to Daddy 
already.

"You speak English? What did she say?" Elysa asked the blonde in front of
her.

<Minako> She say you look like dipstick. She want to roast you on a spit. How 
about that?

"Rei-chan said welcome, sorry for rudeness before."

<Minako> She say, clown shoes. What you think she say? Stupid American f*ck.
<Mamoru> Somebody's been hanging with Wufei lately, I see. 0_0

 Minako stated. "I'm
Minako."

<Ami> Minako.. you've just been elected the honorary translator for the dumb chick! 
What've you got to say?
<Minako> ... sh*t.
<Makoto> Right on, V-chan.

        "I'm Elysa. Pleased to meet you. Could you please show me to the
bathroom,
Minako?" Elysa almost pleaded.

<Yaten> *dances* C'mon, c'mon, I've really gotta go! Stop playing with my bladderal 
capacity!
<All> *giggle darkly* It's fun to watch her dance!

 Minako smiled and led the American girl to
the facilities.

<Minako> Oh? You wanted toilets? I brought you to kitchen, to show you fabulous 
blender. Thought you wanted a fabulous blender. English not so good, sorry. 
*snicker*

 The girls discussed the stranger until they had returned.

<Makoto> Well, she looks evil to me.
<Seiya> She looks STUPID to me.
<Rei> The fire says nothing about her.
<Yaten> Probably because she IS nothing. Just some badly-scripted semi-self-insert.
<Rei> Well, time for tea and crackers.. who's got the poison? 
<Yaten mimes dripping a few ounces of toxin on Elysa's rice crackers.>

Usagi offered Elysa some snacks

<Seiya> Try to eat it all. Sometimes you've got to swallow a lot of the dooby-laced 
snack items for the full effect of the poison to set in.

 and Ami scooted over to make room for the
American girl.

<Mamoru> Git. Go wan. Git. Shoo. 
<Makoto> Move over, puny Japanese girl. Make room for the Big Dawg! The American has 
come to upstage you! I flaunt my richness at you! Ha hah!
<Minako> Calm down, Makoto. o_0

 Elysa took a bite of a rice cracker and

<Yaten> Choked?
<Seiya> Please please please...

 looked up to see all
the girls, sans the blue-hared one on her right,

<Minako> Ack! She turned Ami into a rabbit!
<Rei> Okay, that's it. Forget the poisoning. Just strangle her.

 were staring at her.

        "Yes?" Elysa asked.

<Minako> .. why aren't you dead yet?

 "Is something wrong?" The girls all looked
around at each other.

<Ami> Umm.. the poison didn't work. Now what?
<Minako> We didn't have a backup plan, did we?
<Makoto> Dammit.
<Yaten> •Elysa• Huh? What're they saying?
<Minako> They say.. eat another rice cracker. Enjoy tea. It definitely not poisoned.
<Yaten> Hey.. you guys aren't trying to poison me, are you?
<Minako> No.. we just being overly friendly and fake for no reason.
<Yaten> *cheerily* Oh, okay!

 Ami spoke up.

        "We were wondering why you decided to visit Japan?" She said,
slowly. She obviously didn't know if what she had said was what she had intended.

<Ami> But since it was, of course, perfectly enunciated, the stupid American 
understood her well. Heck, even if Ami'd said it in Latin the darn American would've 
understood her!

 Elysa
smiled at the shy girl for her effort.

<Rei> •author• We'll have a Yuri scene later on as payment.

        "It's a long story." she said. The blue-haired girl spoke again.

<Ami> Elaborate, would you? You're not another one of those fake senshi come to 
stalk Haruka, are you?
<Mamoru> •Elysa• Nooo.. I'm, uh.. here to study under the great Hino-Sensei.
<Ami> Nope, try again.
<Mamoru> Umm.. I'm here to.. wash the car.
<Rei> We don't have a car.
<Mamoru> Er, ehm... darnit!

        "Oh." She paused and stuck out her hand.

<Ami> Gimme the money and scram.

 "Ami Mizuno."

<All> Wha...?
<Minako> Mizuno Ami, anyone? Grrr...
<Mamoru> Ab-so-lutely. We kind of introduce ourselves with the last name preceding 
the first as is dictated by tradition. Wouldn't remember THAT part of your Japanese 
societal studies, would you, fic writer?

 She said,
Introducing herself. the other girls took her example and followed suit.


        "Rei Hino." The girl in the formal kimono said. Elysa nodded.

<Mamoru> Hm. She looks a bit like those little head-bobbing dashboard decorations you 
put in your car for your own amusement..
<Ami> And my guess is that the dashboard decoration has more smarts than she does.

        "Tsukino Usagi!"

<All> Oh, ok, that makes perfect se... huh?
<Ami> Make up your mind already! Sheesh!

 The girl with the odd hairstyle called out
enthusiastically as she extended her hand. Minako corrected her.

<Minako> I gave her a makeover and sent her to a Mental Capacity Enlargement Facility?

        "Usagi Tsukino, baka." Rei said as she glared at the blonde.

<Rei> Get into your out-of-character persona already, baka dimbulb Usagi-chan.

 Elysa giggled silently.

<Mamoru> •Elysa• Hee hee..! FIRST I'll totally ruin their characters, THEN I'll sleep 
with every one of 'em!

        "Ki...eh...Makoto Kino."

<Makoto> KILL HER.. uhm.. that is to say... Kino Makoto. Yessiree. 

 The girl with the ponytail on her left
said.

<Minako> A little groggy when you were doing your hair this morning, weren't you, 
dear.
<Makoto> Obviously so if it's on the left side of my head.
<Mamoru> Um. I think she means the GIRL on her left, not Makoto's ponytail.
<Both> .. ohh.

        "Pleased to meet you all." An uncomfortable silence followed.

<Rei> What the hell did she say?
<Minako> I don't know. Let's split.
<Makoto> Split her skull? Can we? Can we??
<Rei> Calm down. 

 Elysa
took
another cracker from the plate on the table.

<Rei> Put that down, you mangy crackersnogger!
<Minako> *blink* Rei, do you even know what that means?
<Rei> Well, no... but it sounded right at the time.. ^^;

        "Would you please explain?" Minako asked.

        "Explain what.. oh my reasons for... Yes, well... It's complicated."

<Mamoru> Well... actually, it's not complicated at all. I'm lying.

She
paused for the blonde to translate." I have had the same dream almost every
night for the last few months." Translation.

<All> She is an aspiring lemon author who has a crush on Haruka.

 "I finally realized it was
telling me to come here to Japan." Translation.

<All> She's got oodles of money that she doesn't know what to do with, she's 
bored and she's stupid, so she's come to plague us for the next couple of chapters.

 "That was sometime
yesterday. I threw some things in a suitcase and came here immediately."
Translation.

<All> Subject to random and often crazy ideas that lead her to stalking Haruka and
inadvertetnly forcing us into extremely out-of-character situations.

        "How did you come to stay here, with Rei-chan."

<Miako> Oh. Where is my punctuation. Forgiveness please, honorable author dipstick.

 Minako asked what
was on all their minds.

        "My father arranged for me to stay here. I am glad for the room,
Rei. Alrigato." Rei smiled at the translation.

<Rei> *smirk* She said 'Alrigato'. What does she think we are, Italian?

 There were a few more questions
before Elysa excused herself and went back to her room.

<Minako> *suspicious* How much do you REALLY weigh?
<Makoto> •Elysa• 96 pounds.
<Minako> No, really.
<Makoto> 97 pounds?
<Minako> Ha! Liar!
<Rei> How many milliliters per kilometer cubed are there?
<Makoto> Umm... 900.
<Rei> Baka.
<Minako> How many days in a year?
<Makoto> A lot.. umm...
<Ami> Ptooe. *spits on wannabe's shoes*
<Makoto> So does this mean I don't get to join the Senshi Club?
<Ami> Depends.. answer me this: what... *eyebrow quirk* is your favorite 
color?
<Makoto> Er... silv.. I mean.. blue.
<Minako> She was gonna say silver!! She's a wannabe senshi!! Run! Run NOW!
<Rei> Into the sacred fire with her!!

 The girls talked for
a few minutes more, then began to study for the finals that were coming up
in the weeks ahead. Artemis, who was playing with a blade of grass and not
paying attention to the girl's conversation, was the only one who noticed
the pink beam of light coming from the sky in the distance. He recognized it
immediately. It was the Time Portal, Cherry Way.

<All> Joan Rivers Oceanography Jambalaya?
<Mamoru> Ah yes, Cherry Way, right turn at the Fruitbasket Drive and 
Guava Melon Court intersection.
<Rei> Just keeps getting less and LESS coherent..

 Somehow, the Time Gate had
been opened.

<Mamoru> Hint: Check the keyhole and see if the Time Key is in it.
If it is, there's your answer.

        "Luna, everyone!!" he shouted.

<Mamoru> Dance like you want to win!
<Seiya> Get down! Incoming bad plot device!

 Usagi's communicator began to beep.

<Minako> •Usagi• Aw, shut up. *chucks her watch out the door*

        "Setsuna-san?! what's going on?" Usagi inquired of the woman on the
other end.

<Setsuna> These tin can phone lines were a BAD idea. BAD Usagi. Bad.
<Rei> *puppylike Usagi whine*

        "It wasn't me." she stated calmly.

<Rei> *panicks* It was Mihoshi!! Honest, I swear!

 "It was Chibiusa."

<Ami> Wellll, same difference.. sort of..







First of all, the characters aren't mine, with the exception of
Sailorsun, who might have been created before, I just don't know about it. :P