<The scene: The theater onboard the SoL. The room is barren, except for the lone red couch looming oppressively in the dark. Suddenly.. (cue dramatic music.) Nagisa Kaworu of Evangelion lore drops into being on the sofa. At just that moment, Mamoru and Seiya enter the theater, arguing over their usual randominities.> <Mamoru> .. well, I think it just sounds stupid. <Seiya> What? Sofa? <Mamoru> It's a couch, not a sofa. <Seiya> I say it's a sofa. <Mamoru> .. *mumbles* why exactly do WE have to clean out the COUCH cushions anyway? <Seiya> 'Cause we're the only ones awake at this hour of night? <Mamoru> For all we know it could be five in the afternoon. We have no real sense of time up here. <Seiya> ... who's there? On the couch?? <Mamoru> Taiki? <Kaworu> *blinkblink* What the... <Mamoru> *flips on the lights* Hey, it's only.. Nagisa Kaworu. That dead guy from Evangelion. <Seiya and Mamoru look at each other.> <Both> Dead guy from...? AAAAHHH!!!!! *GLOMP* <Kaworu> *scratches head* I _am_ dead, aren't I. <The voice of Pendrell crackles over the com system.> <Pendrell> Have you found my car keys yet? <Both> EYAH!!! .. oh. Hi, professor. <Pendrell> Have you found any spare Kaworus in there, either? <Both> Uh... <They look to Kaworu. He shakes his head in a frantic 'no'.> <Both> None whatsoever. <Pendrell> Hmm.. where could I have beamed that boy to... ah, well. Just find my car keys. Over and out, skipsters. <Kaworu> Mmf. *repositions himself on the couch* I say. She's a bit of a fruitcake, that Pendrell. <Seiya> You.. you're supposed to be dead. <Pendrell> I just remembered. While you're in there, boys... *sweetly* I have a little RANT for you to read. It'll be a pleasant change of pace for you.. a little Anti-Rei rant entitled 'Top 60 Reasons Why Rei Sucks &^%*'. <All> Top Sixty Reasons Why Rei Sucks And Up-Carrot Percentage Asterisk? <Kaworu> .. *blink* What the hell? <Pendrell> *evilly* Nagisa, is that YOU? So you're on the SoL, are you? Gooood.. have fun, kiddies. HO HO HO! <Seiya> Santa Claus? <Pendrell> Just read. <All three seat themselves on the couch, Seiya on the left, Mamoru in the middle and Kaworu on the far right.>
Top 60 reasons why Rei sucks &^%*
<Seiya> .. OW! My *^&$%ing eyes! <All> Sucks what? <Kaworu> Do we even want to know? No.
60.Tuxedo V printed out a picture of Rei and blasted it to hell! He then got a picture of Asuka and hung it in his room.
<All> .. uh huh... nice... <Mamoru> But again: exactly WHAT relevance does this hold to why we should hate Rei? <Kaworu> *smirk* It doesn't, actually.
59.Rei was born in a lab. Asuka was born from her mother.
<Kaworu> Hey. I was born in a lab too. Better watch your verbal step, motherbleeper. <Seiya> Yeah.. yeah, and I was born from a mother. Does this make me special? <Mamoru> If anything, it should make Rei MORE attractive. Being a freak of synthetic nature and all that.
58. Rei may be cute, but Asuka is a beautiful Goddess.
<Seiya> Ungh.. nrrr.... *tries bottling up his anger* <Kaworu> Release that negative energy, my friend. <Seiya> ..ASUKA IS A BITCH, DAMMIT! REI IS AN APATHETIC ANGEL! SO THERE! YOU.. YOU WORTHLESS EXCUSE FOR A WEBMASTER! I SPIT AT THEE! NYAAH! >< <Kaworu> Yeah. We feel your anger, brother. <Seiya> Stop calling me that. ^_-
57. Asuka had Hikari for a friend. Who was Rei's friend?
<Mamoru> Rei doesn't need friends. She's the key to mankind's ascendance and you're trying to tell us that she sucks because she can't make friends? Guh. <Seiya> I LIKE reading these things. They make me feel awfully smart.
56. All the people who like Rei have very stupid pathetic reasons for liking her.
<Seiya> .. infinitely smart. Jeez. <Kaworu> Wellll, we have YET to see one decent reason for liking Asuka.. explain us that, if you'd be so kind, you inferior being.
55.Asuka received more love letters than Rei
<All> Okay, we can see... huh?
54. Asuka had sex with Shinji, who did Rei have sex with?
<All> Oh, sure, there's always that, we can see... HUH?? <Seiya> The HELL?! <Mamoru> Some people apparently just don't pay attention to the actual context of the show.
53. All of units 5-13 got their asses kicked by Asuka
<Kaworu> .. then they all counter-attacked and ripped her to shreds.. your point?
52. Shinji doesen't get slapped by Asuka because he hates Gendo.
<All> And Gendo doesn't get slapped by Shinji because he hates Asuka. <Mamoru> Or.. vice versa. <Kaworu> We just confused me verily..
51. Unlike Asuka, Rei doese whatever she's told. No questions asked.
<Seiya> I kind of prefer that trait in a woman. <Kaworu> Umm, we could write it off as a side effect of Rei being created for the purpose of following orders, her being made specially and all that... <All> .. but naah. <Mamoru> Why bother when your opponent is so dense that he can't even list ONE valid reason as to why a character sucks?
50. Kinda don't like meat Rei doesen't. Asuka likes meat.
<Mamoru> Hey kids. If YOU know anybody like Rei who doesn't like meat... burn them!! They're in cahoots with EVIL! EEEVIL!!! *_*
49. Anybody in their right mind would want Asuka to be their girlfriend.
<All> Anyone in their wrong mind would agree with you. <Kaworu> Sure, if you want a manipulating, PMSing, psychotic girlfriend, then Asuka's the one for you. *thumbs up* <Seiya> Now now... wait a minute. Who here actually LIKES the Asuka character? *silence.* <Seiya> Alright, this is unfair. We're almost as bad as this ranter if we're completely biased against Asuka... <Mamoru> Umm.. here. *dons a loose-fitting Asuka shirt* Go Asuka. Kick Rei's boo-tay. Yeah. <Seiya> Er.. guess that'll have to do. *shrug*
48. Asuka=life+personality. Rei=life+self loathing
<Shinji> .. nothing wrong with a little self-loathing. <Seiya> Well well, if it isn't the poster boy for self-loathing hisself! Howdy, Ikari! <Shinji> .. I don't know why I'm here. Mamoru-kun, Seiya-kun, Kawor-- KAWORU??! *eyes bulge out of head* <Kaworu> *blink* Shinji! What's wrong? <Shinji> 'What's wrong?' I POPPED YOUR HEAD OFF IN EPISODE TWENTY-FOUR, THAT'S WHAT'S WRONG!! And here you are-- <Kaworu> -- alive and well. <Shinji> Oh my. *passes out* <Seiya> *leans over unconscious Shinji* Wuss. <Mamoru> Goooo Asuka. You da man. Yeah.
47. Asuka doesen't kill any of her friends. (see 13)
<Mamoru> But she WOULD kill them, provided she had the right motivation. *All look at Mamoru* <Mamoru> Uh... I meant.. rah. Kick arse, Asuka. Yeah. *aside* Man this is getting boring. <Seiya> •Asuka• WHAT?! You DARE to call the Great Asuka a bitch?!! TAKE THIS! *BAM!*
46.I would rather have sex with Asuka, than with Rei
<All> Ahhhh... <Kaworu> So NOW the truth comes out. <Shinji> *sits up, sloooowly* Huh..? Where.. wha.. Kawo..ru.. kun? *blink* <Kaworu> Sure, so you popped my head off. You squished me, you killed me, but I'm back. Let's not dwell on measly details. <Shinji> *nods sheepishly*
45. I have an Anti Rei page. Do I have an anti Asuka page?
<All> We don't know. Ask someone who cares. <Mamoru> Better yet, go jump off a cliff. *mumbles* Asuka-Monger. <Kaworu> Okay. We've officially lost our unbiased opinion. Nobody here is sticking up for Asuka. <Mamoru> But I got tired of sticking up for Asuka! I prefer Misato! *whimper*
44. 00 isn't really a number
<Seiya> .. and yet it's one of the most important parts of any mathematics. Everything returns back to zero.. unless you're dealing with graphing exponentials, of course, in which case you won't always reach zero.. <Mamoru> Stop trying to confuse me with your algebra talk. <Shinji> Besides.. who really cares if 00 is a number or not..? *scratches head* <All> Dunno.
43. I have Asuka's Unit two.
<Seiya> Give it back, you jerk!
Do I have unit 00? Hell no!
<All> Does it look like we give a flip? Hell no! <Kaworu> Dang! I was hoping he'd have wasted his money on one anyway so we could laugh at him.
42. I have Asuka postersin my room, do I have any of Rei? No!
<All> HELL no! <Shinji> What is WITH this guy? He seems a bit out of touch with reality, you know.. <Kaworu> He's just a rabid Asuka fan angry because he can't really have sex with Asuka. <Shinji> Oh, is that all? Hmph.
41. Everyone that hate's Asuka likes Rei.
<Mamoru> Dun dun duuun da dun! Amazing, astounding leap of logic! <Seiya> Surprisingly, there are some people who have learned to appreciate Evangelion for all its characters as well as its story. Do try to stop making lists as pointless as this one.. embrace the light AND the darkness. *sappy*
40. Pikachu hates Rei, so I hate Rei
<Shinji> What.. the.. hell... I don't think I can take much more of this. <Mamoru> •mocking• On the other hand, Squirtle really _loves_ Rei.. I'm so torn! What should I do?
39. At first you feel sorry for Rei, then you realise, she's pathetic
<Kaworu> As in, deserving of sympathy? <Shinji> Get a dictionary, you loser.
38. Asuka is not pathetic
<Shinji> Sure she is.. she's nuts. She gets the crap beaten out of her by the big white goofy EVA models.. she goes into a coma.. I wank off over her.. now if that ain't pathetic, I don't know WHAT is.
37. Asuka just sounds better than Rei.
<Kaworu> *narrows eyes* Which version, dub or subbed? <Seiya> If he's putting down Hayashibara Megumi.. so help me..
36. My site is dedicated to Asuka.
<Mamoru> •author• My pants are green. I hate Rei. I have socks on. I hate Rei. Sometimes, I turn on the TV and I see Tom Brockaw. He tells me to burn things. And that's why you need to hate Rei too. <Kaworu> *claps* Right good impression, that. <Mamoru> Thanks.. I've been working on my Doped Up Author imitation...
35. There are better hentai pics of Asuka, than there are of Rei.
<Shinji> *accusatory* Oh, and you'd know that, of course! Pervert! <Seiya> Come on, give the guy a break. It's the only sexual stimulation he can get. Real chicks just don't do it for men of his calibur. <Pendrell> Ahem.. hate to break up your little party, boys, but if you don't stop making personal cracks at this ranter-type, I'm gonna have to stop the review.. <Shinji> Why didn't you say so earlier? Ranter Guy screws his mom! <Seiya> Ranter Guy blows monkeys! <Pendrell> .. are you mocking me? <All> *innocent* No, we only want to end the review... <Pendrell> Tough it out, you manly men. *BLIP* <Seiya> .. Pendrell sucks eggs! <Pendrell> I HEARD THAT!! <Seiya> Eep!! *ducks as a precaution to being zapped by the Interocitor*
34. It's hard to make fun of Asuka's name.
<All> Um.. Rei.. ha ha..? <Mamoru> I'm just not seeing it. This guy must be on a completely different level than us. <Kaworu> Say.. if we were on a level about HERE.. *places one hand across from Shinji's forehead* .. then he'd be maybe.. *lowers hand to Shinji's shoes* down HERE. <Mamoru> Only that low? <Kaworu> I'd keep going except for the floor...
33. Rei doesen't have pikachu on any of her pages
<Seiya> Eh? He's seeing Pikachus in random places now?
32. Asuka doesen't merge with anyone.
<Mamoru> She also doesn't save humanity, but oh well. <Kaworu> That's Shinji's job.
31. Asuka survives third impact.
<Mamoru> Damn the luck. Damn it. <Seiya> Shinji also survives, so if that's any indication of how hard it'd be to survive Third Impact, then I'm fairly sure Rei's livin' it up out there somewhere. Dispite her head being seemingly cleavered in two..
30. Asuka has a past, Rei doesen't.
<Shinji> Oh sure, Asuka's got a great past. Her mother hanging herself and leaving her corpse for Asuka to find, but only after progressively spiralling down into insanity and talking to dolls and calling them her daughter and asking them to die with her... *inhales*
29. Asuka's name doesen't come from one of the people who created the show.
<Seiya> ... Fishbulb.
28. Asukangelion sounds better than Reiangelion.
<Kaworu> .. and Evangelion sounds better than both of those. <Mamoru> We need a point, please. Somebody find this ranter a point. <Shinji> Quickly..
27. Rei doesen't deserve to have an anti-Rei page.
<All> Whaaa..? <Seiya> But.. what the HELL do you call this?! A PRO-Rei page?? Jeeeez. <Mamoru> He's defending her, but he's not. Makes plenty of sense, doesn't it? <Seiya> *mumbles* Screwed up, lousy bastard.. got no point.. hmmmph.. <Pendrell> Watch it. Watch iiiittt.... you're just begging for an Interocitor blast, Seiya! <Seiya> Go for it, you kooky madwoman! I'm not afraid of you and your-- *ZAP* <Pendrell> Are you afraid now? <Seiya> *charred slightly* No.. *cough* .. but I could learn to be.
26. Asuka's voice isn't mono-tonal
<Shinji> Then again, she's not a clone, is she? <Seiya> Hello? Common sense to ranter. Come in, ranter. For all our sakes..
25. Rei has light blue hair.
<All> True.
24. Rei has no life.
<All> True.
23. Asuka's plug suit is red, and it's much cooler.
<Kaworu> This is how highly I value your opinion. *pulls out a plastic model of Asuka in a very come-hither position, allows a moment for all to admire it, then bashes it to pieces and stomps on it for good measure.* <Mamoru> Well, THAT was a waste of fifty bucks. <Kaworu> On the contrary. It was well worth it.
22. Rei rhyme's with gay
<Shinji> Asuka rhymes with... well.. nothing, really.
21. Asuka's hair is brunette.
<Shinji> Um.. red. Redhead. <Kaworu> Eh well. Whatever. Doesn't matter that much to this guy. He's too busy admiring her.. assets. <Shinji> Yeeaaah... *reddens the slightest bit*
20. Rei's house is a mess
<Mamoru> And if you were a neat freak, that would matter.
19. Rei will dress in front of anyone...(slut!!!!)
<Shinji> I think the more _important_ part is that Asuka will UNdress in front of everyone.. <Kaworu> .. and he do mean everyone. <Mamoru> Purely your opinions. <Pendrell> I think you should do a bit more rah-rahing for Asuka, Mamoru. <Mamoru> Do you? Well, ok. I live to serve. *holds up a megaphone* GO ASUKA! YOU ROOOOCK! BLOW THOSE ANGELS SKY-HIGH! YEAH! YEAH!! <Seiya> My eeeaaarrs... ><
18. There are more pictures of Asuka than Rei
<Seiya> *boredly* And I'm sure YOU'VE counted them all with that amazing logic of yours. <Mamoru> Pics of Asuka? Infinite! Pics of Rei? 00! Unreal number!
17. There's only one Asuka, yet there are three Rei's. Do the math.
<All> We have. <Kaworu> What are you trying to say, ranter? What deeper meaning lies beneath your shallow, pathetic attempts at conveying a point across to us? <Shinji> If you're searching for a meaning in this garbage, you're going WAY too in-depth..
16. Asuka speaks German . Rei can't even say "Guten Morgan"
<All> She could.. if she wanted to.. <Kaworu> And if YOU had done the slightest bit of research on it, you would've known that it's 'Guten Morgen,' you dope. <Mamoru> He prolly just watched the dub. Didn't need no extra hassle from trying to read AND comprehend at the same time. That would've overloaded the poor boy's circuitry. <Pendrell> Ahem. Cut that out, astro boy. <Mamoru> So sorry. *shakes a pompom feebly* Asuka's my favorite psychotic female anime character. I love her more than I love myself. I am worthless and prostrate before the shimmering glory that is Asuka Sohryuu Langley. <Pendrell> Much better! <Mamoru> *sniff* I feel dirty.
15. Rei is always depressed.
<Seiya> You make US depressed. *swallows a couple of Tylenols to suppress the pain*
14. Asuka smiles more than twice during the entire series.
<Shinji> Usually when anticipating killing something or showing off to everyone..
13. Asuka has friends, Rei has Gendo, and then kills him.
<All> *cheer* Whoopee! <Mamoru> *British* It's a shame that I have to kill you now, Mister Ikari. Now if you'd please step onto the plastic so there won't be much of a mess to clean up afterwards. <Seiya> Or... Gendo has friends, Asuka has Ritsuko, then kills her. <Kaworu> What? Wait... oh... confused again...
12. Asuka has breasts, where are Rei's?
<Seiya> Right there on her chest, you idiot. Are you blind? <Shinji> How could you NOT see Rei's breasts? They're HUGE! <Mamoru> •breasts• Look at me, I'm HUGE! I'm melon-like! I cause fanboys to swoon from overexcitement! How can you NOT see these great mounds of-- <Kaworu> Ahem. <Mamoru> .. oh. Sorry. *shameful look* <Kaworu> If you vouch for anybody's breasts, vouch for Asuka's. <Mamoru> That's been done one too many times.
11. Asuka's Eva never went beserk everytime they ran a freaking test.
<All> okay.. yes, uh huh.. we're listening.. <Kaworu> Shinji-kun.. what are you doing? <Shinji> Huh? *looks down* .. oh. I'm knitting. *exasperated* I'm so bored that I'm knitting. Good god, we've got to find a way out of here NOW!
10. Rei had that stupid orange Eva.(stupid orange Eva...)
<All> *refrain* Gay loser ranter.. gay loser ranter... <Pendrell> That's it. <The Interocitor starts blasting randomly around the theater. The four reviewers scream girlishly and duck.>
9. We know Asuka is straight, but is Rei?"
<All> ... <Kaworu> .. BWAHAHAHAH!!! <Shinji> What? <Kaworu> Sorry, sorry.. that was just so.. priceless.
8. Asuka has more personality than Rei.
<All> Nuuh.. no, really?.. we hadn't noticed... <Shinji> We were too busy wanking off over pics of Asuka. <Seiya> Yes, and you'd know about wanking over Asuka... <Kaworu> .. *kicks Seiya* <Seiya> OW!! My fragile femur! <Kaworu> I don't think that's your femur. <Seiya> Does it really matter? All that matters is that you kicked me.
7. It doesen't take the entire series to figure out Asuka.
<Mamoru> Nope. Matter of fact, takes one episode. <Seiya> *tallies* Okay.. vindictive, rude, overconfident, bitchy.. yep, there's Asuka for you! <Pendrell> Mamoru? <Mamoru> Umm... I can't think of a rebuttal. <Pendrell> You suck. I should've hired a rabid Asuka fan to read with you. <All> Please no... never do that! >_<
6. Shinji tried to kiss Asuka, did he try to kiss Rei? Hell no!!"
<All> Because she's a clone with his MOTHER'S soul!.. gaaaah... <Kaworu> That'd be incestual and you know it.
5. Asuka kisses Shinji. But does Asuka kiss Rei? Hell*&())#&! no!
<Mamoru> *giggling histerically* The hell? What?! <Shinji> It may not make any sense, but it sure is good for a bit of entertainment.
4. Asuka wears a bikini and has style. Rei wears a one piece and has absolutely no style.
<Kaworu> Oh, fine. What if Asuka wore a one piece? Then I bet you'd be unhappy, you grimy, filthy wanker. <Mamoru> •author• Rei wears absolutely nothing but you still can't see her breasts. Asuka wears a plugsuit, which is cool. Even if she were naked Rei wouldn't deserve an anti page. I hate Rei. <Shinji> Exactly. *thumbs up*
3. Asuka is just so Kawaii, especially when she's pissed.
<All> Awww, it's so CUTE when she goes insane! <Shinji> Especially when she starts causing lots of property damage around the Tokyo-3 area. I love it when she does that. Right, guys? <All> Awwww!
2. Asuka wears those cute little thingy's in her hair. What does Rei wear in her hair?
<All> *toneless* Cute little thingies...
1. Asuka and Shinji would make the cutest couple......(Rei and Shinji...*cough*... *cough* incest...*cough*)
<Mamoru> Back to number 6.. he made no mention of incest then. So.. what was the point there, either? <Kaworu> There was NEVER a point. It was all random, random ,random.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
<All> F*ck you, line.
Flames, Please send commets to Touij Suzahara or Shinji Ikari
<Mamoru> And as for non-Flames who send us commets... bite me. <Shinji> And F*CK you guys, too. Go to hell while you're at it.. <Kaworu> Or as the mighty Asuka would say, "Geht zur Hölle!" <Seiya> You speak German? <Kaworu> Sure. That and French, Spanish, Mandarin, Hebrew... all that. Anything, really. <Mamoru> *nods uncomprehendingly* Uh-HUH. Well, Pendrell, thanks for the read. I feel a lot better now, having let off all that steam and whatnot. Let's blow this joint, men. <Seiya> And Shinji, you come along too. <Shinji> Hey, wank off, Seiya. <Seiya> You're one to talk. Asuka-monger. <Kaworu> Play nice or I'll snap the both of you like little twigs in the palm of my hand. <Mamoru> Yeah, pay Shinji back for the time he squished YOU like a rotten banana! <Kaworu> Intriguing idea.. <The four exit the theater, leaving the couch to itself once more.>
"5. Asuka kisses Shinji. But does Asuka kiss Rei? Hell*&())#&! no!"