Lezinite sat in her small chambers in the Black Cathedral.
<Mamoru> If it isn't our good friend Lezbonite again! Hello, Lezzy! *waves with a big,
obnoxious smile*
<Seiya> Not _her_ again. Gawd, does she ever give poor Makoto a break??
<Usagi> *suspicious look* And how do you two know who this Lezinite person is?
<Makoto> Yeah, how? ^_-
<Seiya> *snickers*
<Rei> Hey, did you two...?
<Mamoru> We read ahead! We read ahead! *he and Seiya snicker girlishly and cover their mouths
in a weak attempt to hide their goings-on*
<Makoto> *blink blink* Either you guys have completely lost it, or something very bad is going to
happen to me in this fanfic.
<Seiya> Oh, you don't know the half of it, Makoto! *elbows her*
<Usagi> This isn't fair! We haven't even read the first 4 chapters of this story! How'll we
know what's going on?
<Michiru> Hey, it's not our fault the author didn't put up the first 4 chapters. That just
leaves less for us to read. ^_^
<Usagi> Oh! Well then, who cares about 'em, let's just go ahead and finish this up, shall we?
<Makoto> *frets* Hey! What about ME?? What happens to me? I want to know!
<Mamoru> Oh, _you'll_ see. Heh heh heh. >.< *nudges Seiya with a snicker*
She was
staring at a scroll that was yellowed with age. The Strange writing burnt
onto the pages, painful to look at with human eyes.
<Minako> Aaaaiiiiee!! My eyes! My eyes!! *hides behind Rei*
"Oh Makoto." she said under her breath. "How can I approach you?"
<Makoto> You can sure as hell try it, buddy, but you'll probably end up with a crushed
larynx and broken kneecaps.
<Seiya> See what I mean?
There was a knock at her door. Lezinite got up and walked to it.
<Rei> And yet, she does not open it.
"Lezinite, we must be off. The Rift is going to open soon, and Golomite
need our help."
<Mamoru> And now the door is talking to her. Wow.
said Hessenite.
"Oh all right....I hope we actually get something trough it this time."
<Usagi> Trough it!
<Minako> Trough the 'fic!
<All> TROUGH IT!
*Minako and Ami gleefully run a printed copy of the fanfic through the paper shredder,
skip out to the hog pen and dump the remains into the trough*
<Ami> SOOOOOUUUEEEEEE!! *claps*
*several large pigs come scrambling out from the direction of the barn and start scarfing
down the leftover fanfic*
<All> Yaaayy!! *wild hooting and cheering ensues*
said Lezinite, pulling on her Uniform jacket.
They walked down through he kilometers of corridor and finally arrived at
the massive rift hall.
<Taiki> Was that a logical hallway? In any sense at all??
<Mamoru> No.
<Ami> Probably built by dwarves. *snorts*
<Taiki> Been watching Lodoss Wars again, eh, Ami?
The hall was 5 km long and 2 km high, and was specially designed to take
the powers associated with opening a rift.
<Minako> Either that, or it was built by REALLY tall elves, Ami..
"Ah, your here.." said Golomite. He was tall, thin, almost skeletal.
"You need us ton anchor the rift?" asked Hessenite.
<Ami> Ouch, my English grammar! It ails me! It begs me to stop reading!
"Yes, please stand on either side of the pentagram."
<Seiya> *dark voice* And now we will perform the ritual Hokey-Pokey Dance of Joy before
we begin our rifting session. Now, everybody, right foot out, and be quick about it.
Hessenite and Lezinite take their places on either side of the kilometer
pentagram.
<Yaten> Dammit, stop already with the kilometers.
<Makoto> We'll even settle for plain old meters if you'd just HURRY UP WITH THE PLOT!
<Mamoru> No, you guys, we have to wait for Hessenite to get going and move his ass
down a couple of kilometers that way to the other side. *points to the endless expanse
ahead*
Golomite pulled out a large book bound in some type a leather. He opened
it and began to recite an incantation.
"Yuur kol nui zyuml aarlk nugy" he said.
<All> 0.0
*All burst into fits of uncontrollable laughter*
<Yaten> Noi burk dilb nizbit kakkaparooh!
<Usagi> Nyiz! Nyiz farzipittay!! : )
<Taiki> Kazooooh! Tyipp nark aarkul nugy.
<Mamoru> Cut that out, you dingles. -_-
A Spire of blue light appeared in the center of the pentagram, and the
scent of ozone filled the room.
<Rei> A diabolical plot to hasten the smogging-up of inner city Tokyo so that more small
children will contract asthma! The fiends...
<Seiya> Presenting Ozone, a unique scent that will give all those who are close to you
asthma.
<Taiki> *sweatdrop* Nice job, Seiya...
"It's working." said Hessenite to himself.
<Makoto> Unfortunately, himself was busy staring at the wall and did not heed his
statement.
"Argha rak!"
<Usagi> Gesundheit.
<Minako> Need a tissue? *holds one out to Golomite*
the Spire became a oval.
"Mishrak Gur.....loim!"
<Rei> *intrigued look* You don't say.
<Mamoru> Hack parzuu shrinikitranipiarteeh!
<All> LOIM! ^.^
<Mikky> *dances in* CAAAAAMUUSH!
<All> ... huh?? *blinking and sweatdropping ensues*
<Mikky> OopSay! *dances back out the door.*
<Usagi> Well, that was different.
(*blatant Suikoden 2 joke!*)
With the sound that only something that tears apart the universe could
make, the rift opened.
<Makoto> And tore apart the universe! Otherwise logically it would not be the sound you
referred to, which only happens when the universe is torn apart! >_<
<Ami> And how would you know anyway, I seriously doubt you've ever heard the universe being
torn apart before..
<Taiki> You know what _I_ hear?
<All> What?
<Taiki> The sound of grammar being torn apart.
<Ami> Yes indeed.
A ship the size of a swan in flight began to come out of the rift.
<Seiya> Whooo, now _that's_ a tiny ship..
<Minako> ... almost as tiny as ours, I bet!
*Makoto and Minako shove themselves into the little plastic boat-on-wheels,
brandishing pirate patches and plastic daggers*
<Yaten> *reaches out his left foot nonchalantly and pushes the boat; it rolls down
the hallway*
<Minako and Makoto> AAAAIIiiiee!!!
*All turn as a loud crash and muffled groans are heard from the direction of the door*
<Yaten> My goodness! What on Earth could have caused THAT to happen?! *innocent look*
*Makoto and Minako stumble back in, bruised and scratched, and Makoto pounces on Yaten,
beating him with a piece of bent metal*
"Ha! The Dragoons ship!" said Golomite.
<Mamoru> Now we can play a bout of Battleship! : )
No sooner had the dragoons ship had come through the rift, than the rift began
to close.
"Noooo!" Golomite looks helplessly at the closing rift.
<Taiki> *mimics Golomite* But I wanted a ship, too! Waaah!
"Well, we got one dragoon ship through." said Lezinite.
<Rei> Guess they'll all just have to share the one ship.
<Minako> *as Golomite* Ha! I sunk your ship! Game over for you!
<Yaten> *as Lezinite* NO! I sunk _your_ ship! Ha haah! Victory! Sweet victory!!
<Taiki> *as Hessinite* We all sunk each other's ship! Damn!
<Seiya> *dons a red and white baseball cap* Gotta sink 'em all.
<All> *frightened looks*
"We need more energy. Generals! Go collect some more!" ordered Golomite.
<All> Oh, go screw a cow, you punk!
"You just ask us nicely." said Hessenite 'porting over to Golomite.
<Usagi> ... 'porting?
<Seiya> As in, "porting the ship"?
*Seiya and Usagi hop in the little plastic boat, which has mysteriously repaired itself
between now and Makoto and Minako's experience*
"Just go, please?"
<Makoto> Man, we would if we could...
<Yaten> Believe us.
"OK."
Makoto went through the grocery store, filling her basket with various
items.
"I hate buying food...
<Rei>.. but, y'know, if I didn't, then I'd probably..
<Makoto> ... die.
but the end result is always good." she said to
herself.
She paid for the items and left, just in time for Lezinite not to see her
when she came into the store.
"It's too hot, I need a drink." she walks over to a pop machine and puts
in the coins, and stops. "Makoto was here...I can feel it."
<Usagi> Er.. that's... interesting.... yes..
<Yaten> Ah, the mystic revelation of Makoto buying herself a soda.. how effective a plot
device it is!
She takes her drink and goes back to Hessenite, who's reading a paper.
"Did you get one for me?" he asked.
<Ami> Not as though you couldn't just conjure one up with your magic. No, you have to
send your dark lords out into the street to find a vending machine and _buy_ one.
What kind of villain ARE you? *shakes head*
"No, I didn't know you wanted one."
"Oh well, I didn't ask."
"If you want I.."
"Don't worry about it."
<Mamoru> I think someone's a little ticked off at Makoto for stealing his woman...
<Taiki> ... a woman who just happens to like other women.
<Rei> And not just any women. A Makoto woman.
<Makoto> *growls*
They came to the target building. It was Makoto's apartment's building.
<Minako> Coincidence or no? ^_-
"So, which one is it?" asked Lezinite.
"That one, the furthest one to the left." said Hessenite looking down
as a small hand-held map.
<Taiki> She turned into a small hand-held map??
"Good....wait...I feel...a presence...."
"And I hear millions of voices crying out in terror and suddenly silence.
Star Wars was on last night."
<Mamoru> *mimics Hessenite* No, I danced rightly through fields of tulips with Mr.
Piccolo! Wait, my hair is black!
<Makoto> I see the beauty of the myriad sea of stars before me in the twilight sky!
I went goofy golfing with Yaten and Minako yesterday afternoon!
<Usagi> The blue monkey hops on the grass!
"No...it's....her...Makoto."
<Makoto> WHOSE Makoto!? *clenches her left fist and shakes it*
"That amazon you like so much?'
"She...not an amazon!"
<Makoto> She not very amused.
<Rei> However, she do got very bad grammar.
"OK, but we have a job to do....pleasure later."
"Oh...OK."
"Ah! All clean!" Makoto stood up, and admired her now shiny floor.
And Then there was a explosion.
<Seiya> Wow, I know that Mr. Clean stuff is concentrated, but damn..!
<Rei> I think it's bad karma for Makoto to shine her floors.. SOMEone didn't like
it, obviously.
"Ack! What was that?" she said, picking herself off the floor.
<Rei> A Mr. Clean elf uprising! Kill the oppressors!
The sound of weapons and screams now were heard.
<Usagi> Oh boy, Rei, you were right! *blinks*
"We're under attack!" she heard one of her neighbors yell.
<Taiki> AAAH!!! ELVES! TINY ELVES! THOUSANDS OF THEM! HEEELLP!
"Arrgh!" she said as a large chunk off ceiling fell on her.
<Seiya> Um, then again, it could be really fat elves on the fourth floor..
<All> *sweatdrop*
<Ami> She said 'Arrgh' as opposed to 'Yaaay'?
<Makoto> 'Arrgh!' I say as I begin to abuse my monitor with this piece of bent metal.
*slaps her screen with it*
"Why are the dragoons and their dreadnought destroying the building?" asked
Hessenite.
"I don't know."
"How dare you take my dragoons!" said a Voice behind them.
<Seiya> Leggo my Eggo!
<All> It's... the Voice!! o_0
"J'akite?" said Lezinite.
<Mamoru> Jackoffinite?
<Usagi> Jackassinite?
"The Dragoons are mine!" said J'akite.
<Ami> *in a nerdy accountant voice* Actually, they're not, you see, in order to continue
funding the repairs on the Hall of Kilometers we had to cut off the Dragoons' paycheck cash
flow, then the Dragoons went on strike, so technically, we don't OWN them anymore.
He wore the same uniform, but over
his boots were grieves, a breast plate, and a black helmet covered his head.
He looks like a Spanish Explorer for the 16th Century.
<Seiya> Ooh, General Pierre de Leon, criminal mastermind of the Black Church. *rolls eyes*
"Oh, well, we didn't know. The Commander of this squad asked to come
actually."
"He did? Who is it?"
"Um...Nadrack?" Lezinite looked to Hessenite for conformation.
<Mamoru> *as Hessenite* Yes, I think that name is cheesy enough for a villain. Sure,
it's Nadrack.
Hessenite nodded.
"I should of known that Nadrack would be the one."
<The Three Lights> *in Ricky Martin voices* She's alll.. I'll ever need..
<Minako> Eee, Ricky Martin!! *giggles*
<Mamoru> Beat me mercilessly with a rubber loon, somebody.
<Makoto> *complies with his request and whaps him with a loon*
J'akite pulled a pistol
from his him holster and pointed it at the black armored Dragoon that was
giving orders.
<Ami> A holster with a gender?
<Seiya> The Him Holster, the holster made just for men! ^_^
He fired.
<Minako> My, how strange, a gun that actually fires!
The beam struck the Dragoon in the center of the back, vaporizing most of
the dragoons torso.
<Mamoru> Hey. I thought the Dragoons were ships!
The other Dragoons stop.
"Your taking orders from me now." said J'akite.
"What are your orders, sir?" said a Dragoon.
"Continue with what you were doing."
<All> Well, that was rather pointless.
Lezinite giggled, then stopped.
<Ami> And the realization that she's in a crappy fanfic sets in...
"Makoto!" she said, and she ported away.
<Usagi> Ships ahoy! Cast 'er off! After that Makoto!
*Usagi and Minako hop into the little plastic boat-on-wheels and wave their swords
about*
<Rei> Would you two knock it off already?! Sheesh! You're a couple of buffoons!
<Minako> That we are, and proud to be, too. : D
<Makoto> Hah! I'll agree to that.
"Urrgh..." Makoto moaned from under the derbies that she was under.
<Makoto> DERBIES?
<Seiya> Oh no. The evil Furbies are in liason with the Mr. Clean elves! They've
gotten poor Makoto!!
Her
apartment had not been really damaged, but the ceiling had collapsed,
pinning her beneath it.
<Makoto> Oh, no, not much damage at all.
Lezinite appeared before Makoto.
<Yaten> .. in the three foot crawlspace between the derbies and the collapsed roof.
"Oh no!" Lezinite lifted up the piece of ceiling off of Makoto, and
tossed it to the side. She then bends down a picas up Makoto and places her on
Makoto's bed.
<Ami> Which was strangely unaffected by the collapsed ceiling.
She passes her hand over Makoto's body, looking for injuries.
"Good...only a mild concussion...and a broken rib. Easily fixed.". She waved her hands
over Makoto, and seconds later, Makoto stirred.
"Ouch...ah!" Makoto sat up and saw Lezinite standing at the foot of her bed.
<Seiya> *sings* That's the best part of waking up, is Foldgers in your cup! *falls out
of his seat*
<Mamoru> Or rather, Lezinite standing at the foot of your bed.
"I was...worried about you..." said Lezinite.
"Sure...ah! I can't move!" Makoto said.
"You have to stay still until you heal." said Lezinite.
"How long is than going to take?"
"Only a few hours. Now...sleep." Lezinite touches Makoto on the forehead and
Makoto was asleep. "And I shall be here at your side."
"Hmmm...the device is nearly set up." said a Dragoon to J'akite.
"Good...." J'akite turns to Hessenite "It looks like those girls aren't
going to show up."
<Mamoru> Now if that isn't a blunt cue for the sailor senshi to enter, I don't know
what is.
"Don't speak to soon." came Mars's voice.
<Yaten, lavishly> Ta-DAAAH! Cue crime-fighting poses!
<Mamoru> See?
<Minako> It's a thing called good timing. And we've got it! ; )
"Arrgh! There here!" J'akite pulls out his pistol and points it at Mars.
<Usagi> Huh, where? Here there?? *points over her shoulder*
<Makoto> Here where, not there, here! Who why!! *points over Usagi's arm in the
opposite direction*
*All become extremely confused and point in various directions*
<Yaten> *pulls out a plastic fish and points it at Makoto* Aargh! I can't take
it anymore! There HERE!
"Hey, isn't that Makoto's apartment building?" said Mercury.
"Yea....but they only destroyed 1/2 of it." said Venus.
<Taiki> Again, and I quote the author directly, "her apartment had not really
been damaged."
<Ami> Inconsistencies galore.
"What are they babbling about?" J'akite asked Hessenite.
<Rei> Shaddup, Jackite, no one cares what you think.
"I don't know."
"Sir! The Device is all set up and is almost full." said a Dragoon.
"This is much more efficient than your Terrors." said J'akite.
"Their just standing there, looking at us." said Moon.
<Seiya> *just stands there, imitating Dragoons and co.* Umm... duhh..... nurr..?
"Well, look at how many there are." mars Points to the Dragoons.
<Taiki> Garsh, lookit them thar Dragoons. Sure is a whole lotta them.
<Rei> Oh, mars Points!
<Makoto> I'm seeing Sailormars giving the Dragoons Mars Points for standing around
like doofuses...
<Rei> Right. Every time an enemy does something considerate for us, I award them
Mars Points!
"I guess it wouldn't be wise to attack them." Mercury said.
<Ami> No, it seldom seems wise to attack an enemy. Save yourself the trouble and
attack your allies. *knocks Minako out of her chair*
"What are we going to do?" asked Venus.
<Minako> Uh.. just stand there?
"Let them win this one. there's not point in getting our selves killed."
said Mars.
<All> *sweatdrop*
<Mamoru> Way to inspire the sailor troops, Mars, you wuss.
<Rei> *reddens* Hmmph!! Stupid fanfic Mars!
"But we always win!" Moon Stomped on the ground.
<Yaten> Sounds like a catchy new dance step.
<Usagi> That's right! The Moon Stomp! *jumps up and flashes a cheesy smile, hopping
around*
"I would advise to take Mars's advice." said Pluto, appearing behind them.
<Minako> Gee, and Sailorpluto had always been so _good_ in English, too.
<Makoto> That's a shame. I'm not gonna play this twisted little game any more!
Anything and everything in this story from here on out will be considered meaningless!
Nothing but inane idiocies! Do you get me? -_-
<Mamoru> I would decide to agree with Makoto's decision to decide not to decide on
anything any of them say.
<Seiya> Uhh, right. What he said. ^^;
<Yaten> Hey Mamoru, ever thought of becoming a press secretary?
<Taiki> I hear they're low on confusing beat-around-the-bush spin doctors.
"What?" asked Mercury.
"Each of the Dragoons, the black armored ones, are equivalent to one of
you. You would be certainly defeated." and Pluto was gone.
<Usagi> Way to motivate those sailor senshi, Pluto! -_-
<Yaten> I'm sure they're just aching to scamper into battle by now!!
"She's been acting rather rude lately." said Mars.
<Usagi> Reeeally? We hadn't noticed.
<Makoto> That's not rude, that's just Setsuna, you fruitcakes.
<Taiki> Sailorpluto has the right to be crabby anyway.. after all, her job is the only
one that never allows time for coffee breaks.
"Oh well..." Moon looked at the Dragoons and then they left.
<Usagi> *looks at Rei and tries to make her disappear* Darn.
<Minako> Pansies! WEAKLINGS!
<Ami> Sissies! Girly girls!!
<Usagi> The Dragoons left? Or _we_ left?
"It looks like they took your advice." said Pluto, standing next to Pax on the
roof of a nearby building.
"The Chaos Church has to gather energy, it is written in the Hobian scrolls.
They will bring the Black fleet through. It must happen." said Pax.
"I know, I have seen the records in the Silver Millennia." said Pluto.
"I thin it is time that we returned the Mistress of Silence to her true age."
said Pax.
"It is...I was begining to enjoy her...
<Mamoru> Setsuna, you slut!
<Setsuna> *enters, slaps Mamoru on the back of his head, and exits*
I...missed her childhood the first time...I guess it's a mothers attachment I'm getting."
<Rei> I envision dozens of women with screaming toddlers clinging onto Setsuna...
<Yaten> You might want to get that checked out, Setsuna. It looks like it could be a
serious medical condition.
"I know...don't worry...you will be my daughter...and my Mother in law..." said
Pax, taking Pluto's gloved hand into his own gauntleted one. "I know, father."
<All> Whaaa..??! o_0
<Usagi> Ooh, incest! Incest, I tell you!!
*End*
AH! Secrets Revealed! Is Pax Pluto's natural father? What lies in store for the
senshi with the arrival of the powerful Dragoons?
<Minako> Damn it, they already arrived, and we all know the sailor senshi ran
away like frightened little squirrels.
What will Lezinite
and Makoto do?
<Makoto> NOTHIING! ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!
<Yaten> Heh, yeah right, Makoto, you know what you're gonna do.. *nudges Makoto*
<Usagi> Hee hee! : )
It's all coming up in Sailor moon heretics...(Not only in 6...but starting
with 6)
<Mamoru> Which makes no sense.
Sm
Welcome to the 6th part of Sailor moon Heretics....
Last time we left off...Makoto had been injured and Lezinite was taking care of her!
<Seiya> Heheh, yes, "taking care" of her!
<Makoto> Shutup! Shutup! >.<
Lets join in..
<Taiki> How about let's not.
(Man...that sounded corny)
<Seiya> Man... you're right.
<Makoto> You know, I think now would be the perfect time for a moral lesson of the
day. *holds up the piece of bent metal* This piece of metal has a message for humanity.
<Mamoru> And that is "get bent," apparently. *inspects the piece of scrap metal*
<Makoto> NO, you.. you spooty person, you!! The message is to love all people as though
they were this piece of metal. It may be ugly, it may be twisted, but by God, it's a
GOOD piece of metal!
<Mamoru> Hey, come on, it's a piece of metal. *shrugs* It has no message.
<Makoto> NOT TRUE! *smacks him with the blunt end of the piece of metal*
<Seiya> It doesn't contain a moral lesson, but it _does_ exonerate one message: bent
pieces of metal make for some damn fine objects to beat stuff with.
<Yaten> Well see, there ya go. Satisfied, Makoto?
<Makoto> Sure. *stops bashing Mamoru on the head and grins*
<All> Farewell, minna! *wave*
back to the fics 
next
nuttiness abound!
as reviewed by the respectable inner senshi, starlights, and ONE line from Michiru --;