I really must give credit to KT, the speaker of the above quote. The person in question has found... _horrible_ fanfics. Really. Just awful. No one should be able to read these and live a normal life thereafter. KT deserves a bouquet of roses. Or a swift boot to the groin. I'm not sure which at this point. Submitted for your approval, the tale of Sailormoon R... I mean... Midnight Earth R. Sure, there's a difference. One has Fiore, the evil energy-sucking alien boy. The other has Silren, the evil energy-sucking alien woman. ... oh. I guess they ARE the same, after all. Lawd save us.>_< Hey, you guys, I tried... honestly, I did. But the stupidty... sweet, merciful heavens, the stupidity...Midnight Earth R <All sigh.> <Minako> It... never... ends..... WHHYYYYYY??! >< Page One ------------------------------------------------------------------------ The Characters In This Story Were Made Up By Samham@aol.com <Seiya> I will not eat your green eggs and ham, Sam I Am! <Mamoru> I will not allow your horrid jokes, Idiot Are U! *pushes Seiya over* and Evakoibito89@aol.com <Seiya> Aww. The EVA's got a boyfriend. <Makoto> If I don't miss my guess, that'd be Gendo. <Rei> Gendo's _everybody's_ boyfriend. Areku: ::knocks on Cassi's door:: <Rei> •Cassi• I said you could ring my bell, you dork. <All> *chorus* Ring her be-eeeell, ring her bell! <Minako> I hate fanfics. Oh, how I hate fanfics. Cassi: ::opens door:: huh? <Usagi> •Cassi• Shoot, nobody's there. Must be those darn elves again. <Minako, grumbling> I hate you, fanfic author. Oh, how I hate you... Oh..hello Areku..com on in. <Ami> Oh, and check your 'e's at the door, if you please. <Minako> •Areku• I am very glad to b her, Cassi. I will just com on in and partak of som of thos delicious-looking cookis. <Makoto> •Cassi• I wouldn't if I were you. I found those sitting on the doorstep three days ago. Well, not wanting to waste a perfectly decent batch of elf-conceived baked goods, I-- <Minako> Alright, alright! Jeez, forget I asked. Areku: ::walks in:: Cassi..we have a major problem. Cassi: huh? What is it? <Rei> We seem to be faceless characters in a cheap knockoff of the Sailormoon R movie. Areku: A unknown planet is heading tords the Earth, <Mamoru, intrigued> You don't say. <Minako> •Cassi• What are you, from Osaka or something? Enunciate, you dweeb! once close enough..its gravity system could control Earth and drain innocent people's energy! Cassi: WHAT?! <Usagi, mimicking> I'M A LITTLE HARD OF HEARING TODAY!! COULD YOU PLEASE REPEAT THAT!!?! Areku: We need to Sailor Teleport to the- <Makoto> - store. We're all out of bread, and dammit, we need more sandwiches! ::DING DONG:: <Yaten> Well, sure, we could all teleport to the DING DONG. What the hey. Cassi: ::opens door:: hello Joshi. <Rei> Hi Chief. <Minako> Hey, McCloud. Joshi: hello girls..what were you talking about? <Ami> •girls• Uh.. wait... we thought YOU were a girl, too. <Mamoru> •Joshi• Well, um.. no... at least, I don't _think_ I am... Cassi: nothing. <Taiki> •Joshi• Does that mean you were leaving me out of another enthralling ding dong conversation? Or was it the evil energy-sucking alien planet this time? Joshi: ::cocks head:: okay, i was wondering if you girls you like to go to a green house. <Makoto> Oh sure, we like go to 'green house' all the time. Areku: ::turns her back:: <Seiya> This is what I think of you and your stinky greenhouse. Cassi: okay..come on Areku. Areku: ::sigh:: fine. <Makoto> Note to self: Must find non-loser friends who have better things to do than go to a greenhouse. <Taiki> Must find Sailormoon plotline and kill it. <Usagi> Huh? <Rei> Don't you see what's going on here? Caassi is you, Joshi is..? <Usagi> Huh? <Rei> It's the Sailormoon R script, but with different characters playing our roles..? Yes? Understand now? <Usagi> ... what? <Rei> *blinking* Did a word of that get through to you?? <Usagi> ... I like Mamo-chan. <Rei> YES, YES! WE KNOW!! Now listen! Cassi equals you! Joshi equals Mamoru! Fanfic equals Sailormoon R movie ripoff! -_- <Usagi> .. who's Joshi? <Rei> Nevermind. You're too base to understand the concept, you dimbulb!! >< ::at the green house:: <All, stunned> ... well! <Mamoru> That was nice and abrupt. 0_o Areku: Hey! Is That Rini? Be right back Cassi. <Rei> •Areku• I have to go KILL now! ::walks to the pink haired girl behind the shelf*:: <Seiya> •Areku• Oh, wait, that's not Rini. It's just another red-eyed demon child with cotton-candy-colored yams for hair. Joshi: it smells so nice here ::looks at Cassi:: huh? wa? <Mamoru> •Joshi• Dude, did you cut one? Cassi: ::puckered up for Joshi to kiss her:: <Usagi> Hmm, oddly enough, the EXACT SAME THING happened to me and Mamo-chan. Wow! How weird! ^^ <All> ... -_-; Joshi: ::looks around for anyone one looking:: okay..no one there <Yaten> I'll just pretend that I don't see Areku, Rini and the other sailor senshi hiding behind that ficus tree over there. ::puts her hands on her shoulers and goes to kiss her:: <Seiya> •Joshi• Oops! Looks like I _am_ a girl after all! My faux pas. Rini: ::on Raye's shoulders:: EWW!! CASSI'S GETTING KISSED! HOW GROSS! <Mamoru> •Joshi• I CAN HEAR YOU QUITE WELL OVER THERE, YOU DON'T HAVE TO YELL! Raye: look at Ms. Fish Lips all puckered up like some fish balloon! <Mamoru> Look at Miss Celebate all.. celebated like a big... celebate item! <Usagi> Oooh. 0.0 Amy: Stop it guys! were spying! Lita: You bail when the best parts coming. Rini and Raye: ::gasp:: Amy: ::shoots up behind them:: <All> ACK! <Taiki> Well, _that_ scene was certainly neglected in the commercial release. <Ami> •Amy• Pardon me while I shoot up my cocaine, minna. Oh, hey, anybody care for some LSD tabs while I'm at it? Got some nice doobage rolled in my socks, too. <Seiya> Is that a bag of ecstasy in your miniskirt pocket or are you just happy to see me? <Yaten, disgusted> Th.. that made no sense! How could that possibly relate to Ami? She's not a man! <Seiya> Umm... wellll... I'm really tired and I get confused easily? ^^; <Yaten> I call a vow of silence for Seiya! >< <All> YEAH! <Setsuna marches in and begins duct taping Seiya's mouth shut with little protest from the target.> <Seiya> You may have beaten me, but others shall come to take my stead! You cannot stop us!! There shall be anothe-- mff! 0_0 *silence* <Setsuna> My work here is done. Have a nice day. *leaves* Rini: HEY!! Mina: ::closes Rini's mouth:: <Minako> How about you just don't talk anymore. Ever. HUSH!! Amy: ::covers Rini's eyes:: You know, were not setting a very good example! Rini: ::mumbling:: mmmmmm!! Raye: SHUT UP OR THEIR GONNA HEAR US!! <Rei> Dangnabit, Tiny, shut yer pie-hole!! Joshi: huh? ::steps away from Cassi:: Cassi: ::stands there all puckered up:: <Ami> •Joshi• Eww, that's creepy, could you stop.. puckering... yourself so much? Ew. Joshi: ::walks away:: <Minako> All together now! <All, sans Seiya> •Joshi• This fanfic sucks. I'm out of here. Cassi: ::opens eyes and see's that Joshi is gone:: w-where did he go? <Taiki, boredly> Probably in search of a fanfic with a halfway-original plot and decent character development. ::laughter:: <Taiki> Thank you, thank you, you're too kind. <Rei> I might like to point out that the fanfic was not laughing with _you_. <Taiki> Aw, a nerd can dream, can't he? <Yaten> You _would_ know the answer to that better than any of us. <Rei giggles. Taiki frowns.> <Taiki> Am I an object of amusement? Do I _amuse_ you? <Yaten> Boy, I sure hope not. Whatever that means, it sounds nasty. <Taiki> Remind me to buy you a dictionary if we ever get down from here. Cassi: ::hears the laughter:: huh? ::see's Mina, Lita, Amy, Raye and Rini laughing at her:: * OO!! YOU SNOOKS!! <Rei> .... <Usagi> That's my new favorite word. <Mamoru> What, pray tell, is a 'snook'? ^^ <Yaten> Isn't that a type of candy bar? <Ami> Maybe it's a cross between a cook and a sneak. <Taiki> So... a culinary fink? <Ami> I'm thinking yes. <Usagi> I'm thinking that you guys need counseling. YOU MADE JOSHI RUN AWAY!! <Taiki> We did? Beg pardon. Joshi: ::walks outside and smells the air:: ahh..flowers smell so nice. <Yaten> They conceal the fact that I am constantly breaking wind. I love flowers. <Ami> Bleck. >_< <Seiya> Drr, hee hee, flowers smell purtee... <Rei> How did you get out of your duct tape?! <Seiya> Why, I.. pulled it off. *mischevious grin* <Rei> And no screams of agony? No howls of anguish? <Seiya> I'm so used to being duct taped by now that the pain's become old-hat. ::roses start to fall from the sky:: huh? <Taiki> Believe me, fanfic, we are asking ourselves that same question. <Mamoru> Why not just tell us to watch the SMR movie and imagine that it's your stupid characters instead of the old ones? It would've saved you a lot of time and effort, SamHam and EVA's boyfriend. <Minako> Yes, you should listen to Mamoru, he is sagacious beyond his years! He even knows the secret ingredient in Bush's baked beans! ^_^ <Ami> He knows the formula for Coke! He knows Jimmy Hoffa's street address! <Seiya> He knows how to throw a rose really hard and harm you. *snickers* <All giggle malevolently.> <Mamoru, flustered> Hey, shut up! I didn't ask for the power of rose bushes! I wanted to teleport and shoot lazer beams from my eyes and.. stuff! Serena: ::runs from inside the green house:: WOW!! ITS RAINING ROSES!! <Rei> •Usagi• Oh, no, wait.. those are just posies. Never mind. ::A girl with long red hair and silver eyes appears in front of Joshi:: <Mamoru> •Joshi• Finally got that operation you always wanted, huh, Fiore? <Usagi> Urghh... x_x Joshi: huh? Who are you? Girl: ::smiles:: dont you remember me Joshi? ::has a soft yet sort of semi-evil tone of voice:: <Seiya> Ooh, I wonder who the VILLAIN in this fanfic is going to be? <Makoto> Perhaps GIRL with SEMI-EVIL VOICE is the villain!! Wow!! Joshi: I have never seen you in my life. Girl: ::walks closer to Joshi:: It's me..Silren.. <Seiya> We went to Fanfic Character Community College together, remember? your girlfriend from when we were kids... Joshi: ::gasps:: Silren!? <Usagi> •Joshi• You were my _boyfriend_ when we were kids! 0_o <Seiya> •Silren• Yeah, well, I went and got me some knockers. We're living in a material world, Joshi, and I am a material girl, so to speak. <Usagi> Now you're even quoting Madonna lyrics? Good lord, man, why?! >< <Seiya> That's WOman, and, well, my childhood was very traumatic, you see. Cassi: ::runs outside and see's Silren up close to Joshi:: Huh?! Serena: whats going on? <Usagi> And where's Mamoru? <Minako> They're using the American characters, mind you! <Usagi> I mean, erh, Darien? --; Raye, Rini, Amy, Mina, Lita and Areku: ::run outside:: <Taiki> We can't run outside. I dare say that space, being a vacuum, is not the ideal location for jogging. Silren: ::ignores the girls:: now you remember me ::steps even closer:: <Yaten> *evilly* I was the one who used to play Grab the Crotch with you. <Rei> Nnnghh!!! >.< * pulls out her henshin wand and beats on Yaten's noggin* <Mamoru> Oh, how cute, Silren sounds like a smaller, lamer version of Ryoko. Cassi: ::gets mad:: GET AWAY FROM HIM! Silren: ::looks at Cassi:: who are you? <Taiki> His other crack whore. Now what do you want? <All snicker.> Cassi: Im Joshi's girlfriend! <All> But we don't wannaaa! <Pendrell> Just DO it! <All, sulkily> Fine.. AllSlrSenshi : Hiya Joshi's Girlfriend! <Makoto> Joshi's GrrrL : hi salior sneshi whuts ^ i like pie : ) <Seiya> StarFighter : I like pie, too. <Makoto> Joshi's GrrrL : gr8t lets go get som!!!!!!! ^_^ <All> NO!! 0_0 <Seiya> StarFighter : Um.. we'll meet you in the airlock at around 5. Heh heh heh. <Makoto> Joshis GrrrL : Yeah ok cool awsome gr8t and im so happey becuase i like pie ^_^ <Pendrell> Okay, look here, could you stop with the IM imitation? I'm feeling sick, personally.. <Mamoru> Oh, I am too, _believe me_, I am too. >< <Makoto> SlrJupy4 : Hey, I'm not made of stone! I feel sick too, but it's my duty to perform improv IM conversations as Joshi's girlfriend! We all have our individual crosses to bear; that's mine. <Seiya, sobbing> You are beautiful inside, Makoto. <Makoto> No I'm not. I'm made of mucous and blood and I have a spleen, and-- <All nearly vomit.> Silren: ::laughs:: you cant be..im his girlfriend.. <Yaten> Have mercy on us! We've already done that, and the ends definitely did not justify the means! we never broke up ::puts her hand on Joshi's shoulder:: <Mamoru> Oh, now that's just cheating. <Usagi> •Cassi• Looks like we got to have this out 'ghetto-style', you 'ho'. Leggo my man and 'bring it' here, 'biotch'. Cassi: DONT TOUCH HIM! Silren: ::kisses his cheek:: <Rei> •Cassi• Now, see, there you go again, doing something when I specifically asked you not to. I feel like there's a gap in our communication.. <Mamoru> •Joshi, shuffling his feet• I like you. <Usagi> •Silren• I like you too! Cassi: Thats it!! ::raises a green and gold transformation stick:: <Yaten> ZAP! I'll turn you into a man again if you don't BACK THE HELL OFF! <Taiki> Look, Silren is supposed to be a _woman_. She never was a man. Can't you see...? <Yaten> I don't want to see. I'll always love Fiore the best. *sniffles piteously* <Makoto> Sadly, I'm beginning to wish it was Fiore. Or maybe Neherenia. Or CereCere, or Galaxia, or Peruru.... or Umino... <Mamoru> Now, I'm wondering what would have propelled Joshi to date an evil energy-sucking woman in the first place. <Seiya> Eh, you see one, you've seen them all. If she's got bodacious ta-tas, then hell, date her. <All five girls turn and simultaniously slap Seiya's head.> <Yaten> Ho ho! Hell hath no fury like that of a-- <All five girls turn and glare at him with flaming eyes of death.> <Yaten> -- uh... bunny. Yes, yes, that's definitely what I was going to say. <Taiki> •British• I told you he was a killer bunny, but did you listen? Oh, no, no one ever listens to Marvin! EARTH CRYSTAL POWER!! ::a green light surrounds her and she steps out in her green and gold fuku:: <Rei> Oh, look! She's transformed into everyone's favorite made-up sailor senshi, SailorEarth! : ) <Mamoru> Really it's more like SailorAnnoyinglyRedundantFanSenshi. <Ami> •author• Wellll, everybody's already done the SailorEarth thing... so I'll have to come up with something better... I know! I'll insert SailorEarth and her cohorts into the Sailormoon R movie script! Yeah! That's _got_ to work! Ha ha, I'm so evil. Areku: Im with her! <Mamoru, puzzled> But how do we do that? Is that some kind of dance or something? <Ami> I don't want to instant message with her. She's probably got a whole bagfull of crappy cliched sailor senshi on her buddy list! -_- <Makoto> SLrSuN : i liek catZ! and my fuku iz ugLEe! <Rei> SlrComet5590 : neet i like cats and bunnie and my turtle philbert end ii want 2 marry DARIEN! tee hee hee ; ) <Mamoru> .... uh.... uhrgh... x_X <Mamoru bolts for the door. Several seconds later, a wretched cat-thowing-up-a-hairball sound comes from the general vicinity of the bathroom.> ::raises a black and silver transformation stick:: MIDNIGHT STAR POWER! <Minako> Midnight Star, open 24 hours a day for your convenience. We offer a free contrivance of plot with every third banal fanfic sailor senshi! ::a white light surrounds her and out steps Sailor Midnight Star wearing her black and silver fuku:: <Yaten> •Areku• Oh, great. Now I'm nude and some other sailor senshi has stolen my black and silver fuku. Can't get much worse. <Seiya> •Midnight• Ha ha ha!! I will now take this fuku and hock it to a self-insert fan senshi for money, with which I will buy a cardboard cutout of Mamoru! Ha ha ha!! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ MUSIC <Mamoru> .. makes the people come together. So what? Start <Yaten> Wha.. what, now? Right now? <Pendrell blows her whistle.> GET A MOVE ON! <All jump up and chaos ensues as each starts a random activity of sorts. Among the others, Taiki begins analyzing GE999's Tetsuro and his Oedipus complex, Rei jumps rope, Seiya does the limbo, Ami shoots her new crossbow at Yaten, and Usagi makes prank calls to Moe's Bar. Mamoru, being of a more mature stature, takes up sewing as a hobby.> Stop <Mamoru> Darn. I almost had the little ducky finished, too. <Rei> *panting* I hope we never have to do that again. On_To_Page_Two <Seiya> Domo_arigato_Mister_Roboto? ^_-
